Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

Man to live with goat in GW dorm

A resident of Crapfilled Hall has petitioned the University to cohabitate with a goat and Continuously Losing and Loathing Center officials say they are considering the plan.

“I just feel I need to live as I please without University intervention,” said Morals Lapsing, who requested to live with “Baby,” a goat he met in Dupont Circle. The goat, a registered student, is female.

The University has ruled that male students living with female goats is a violation of the cohabitation policy. Male students are only permitted to room with male goats, Lapsing was told by Must Waiver, senior assistant dean of CLLC.

“I can’t comment,” said Deep Revene, assistant dean of saying no comment. “I can’t comment. I can’t comment. I can’t comment.”

When MS Hatchet informed Revene that his no comment would be printed in the paper, he responded, “Wait, you haven’t given me ample opportunity to comment.”

He then scheduled an appointment to meet with a reporter on Jan. 22, 2003.

Lapsing has gone to the American Cohabitation Legislation Union to petition his case.

“Men have a right to sleep with female goats,” said Whacky Lawyer, general counsel for the ACLU. “The George Washington University is impeding this students’ right to boink a goat, and that is wrong.”

GW President Stevie Just Tryingtostayawake said he does not think students should waste their time to try to sleep with goats.

“As the expression goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too.” He then went into a 10-minute diatribe about Pushkin.

“What was I talking about, oh right, guys and goats,” Tryingtostayawake said. “If we allow this, it will lead to anarchy. Next, women will get upset when we put men in their `women’s’ campus or when I spend all my time `writing a book’ instead of helping the University.”

Baby is president of Goats for Cohabitation, which endorsed Phil Mypants for Student Collusion President. She was contacted for an interview, but she ate the tape recorder.

Itchy Balding, a college dropout who keeps getting promoted within CLLC, was asked for comment, but his mouth was full.

Convalescence facilitators did not have much to say about the possible change in policy.

“You’ll have to speak to Mr. Revene,” said Dave Wilson, a CF in Crapfilled.

“You’ll have to speak to Mr. Revene,” said Yolanda Vega, a CF in Crapfilled.

“You’ll have to speak to Mr. Revene,” said Wally Bemen, a CF in Crapfilled. Then, the computer chip fell out of his head. “Wahoo, I’m free,” he said. “Now I can begin sucking my way to the top of CLLC.”

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