Alright, GW, you asked for it. As your distinguished commissioner and all around toolbox responsible for the legacies of Posh Swinger and the like. I’m finally coming clean. The contradictions are just too many. And The Snatchet won’t take my calls any more. I guess they’re on to my verbal mastery of taking hours to say nothing.
The rumors are true. I run the Disorder of the Waterhorse. I mean, I run that shit. Me and Biggie Joel lounge in the president’s locker room of the Wealthiness Center plotting evil things for our Smokey Ass neighbors. Sure, I say I love them and grin widely at those vastly unproductive Adversarial Neighbors Anonymous meetings, but we all know my heart has told turned cold towards those geriatric old bags.
The contradictions abound. I can’t win a student election, but I’m given the power to decide them now as supreme commander of the SA’s Kangaroo Court.
For anyone who calls in to question The Snatchet’s endorsement of me for the GW Power Tool of Decade award, my credentials speak for themselves: SA hack, ANC wonk, GW Award, high court commander, Pathetic Asslicking Fellow, and the list goes on. Just ask my roommate, I put the “eeyatch” in Beeyatch.
They call me the slippery fish, the “yes” man, the man behind the man behind the man behind the Hippo’s colon. If you’ve got an opinion, I agree with it, even if we disagree. Some call it shady, I call it good politics. It worked for me. Hey, does GW pay your rent, motherfucker? Didn’t think so. Do you have a frequent diner card at the U-Club? Do you have a toolshed at your disposal for those menial, daily tasks that take away time from high-level asslicking. I thought not.
Some may call to question my record, pointing out that I haven’t accomplished anything while appearing to accomplish everything. To you nay-sayers, I say enjoy a bowl of dicks at the U-Club. Put it on my tab.
-The writer, a slippery, commissioning, robe-wearing overall shady fellow, is the keeper of the GW toolshed.
PS: The Snatchet better not make fun of my weight problem like it did to my pal Inajam Chowinahurry last year.
