Hatchet reporter sold soul for basketball history knowledge

The Hatchet sports writer who wrote the “History of GW Basketball” series sold his soul to the devil in exchange for the information, Lucifer said in a press conference in hell Tuesday.

While many thought that Day Hore did all of his own research for the lengthy articles, it turns out the devil did it for him.

“I am going to collect on the agreement tomorrow,” the Dark One said. “You know, you’d think he would have asked for something better if he was going to give up his soul. Like a night of unbridled passion with Heidi Klum or something. He chose basketball. Go figure.”

Hore made some brief statements to the press after the devil’s announcement, saying he plans to appeal to the basketball gods.

“You didn’t really think I did all that research myself, did you?” Hore said with a demonic laugh. “Nobody has that much time.”

-Jacques Itch

GW merchandise sparks NCAA investigation

After someone found a GW jersey at Chumps’ Sports in Washington, the University and the NCAA decided to conduct an investigation into the anomaly.

“We try as hard as possible to make sure no one knows who we are. No one can own anything with GW on it,” athletic director Jackoffinmy Pants said. “Whoever allowed this to happen is going to be fired.”

The jersey had the number of walk-on Damnyou Snoring on its back, so some suspect he planted the shirt there because he is a total loser.

-Scratchin Balz

Candyland team kicks some candy asses

GW’s varsity Candyland team improved its undefeated record this season by beating an elementary school class in Nantucket, Mass.

“Yeah, those little pansies couldn’t handle our Candyland skills, man,” team captain Ihav Nolife said. “We wrecked them.”

The team puts its record on the line a few days from now when it takes on a team from Florida State. Many analysts say some of the elementary schools had more intelligent teams.

-Soop R. Wedgie

SPCA cites women’s soccer team for violation

The GW women’s soccer team used a cute little puppy instead of a soccer ball for one of its home matches last season, prompting the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals to file criminal charges.

“It pissed all over our uniforms before the game,” GW player Wortha Nickel said. “It got exactly what it deserved.”

GW won the game against James Madison Oct. 13 by a score of 20-0 partly because the other team was horrified by GW’s treatment of the puppy. But offense was no easy task for the Colonial women either.

“Puppies don’t travel very far when you kick them. You really have to put your foot into it,” Cutie McKillin said. “It meant a little blood on the spikes, but we won, right?”

-E. Lastic

Coach was confused when he took GW position

GW men’s basketball head coach Rum Blenders said in an interview yesterday that he thought he was taking the head coaching position at Georgetown when he accepted the job at the top of GW’s program.

“Hey, they both have George in them,” Blenders said. “It’s an honest mistake.”

-Tight E. Whitey