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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Crime log: Subject barred after shoplifting at bookstore
By Max Porter, Contributing News Editor • February 26, 2024

Head in the Cloud: No match for Tinder’s curveballs

Photo Illustration by Desiree Halpern | Contributing Photo Editor
Photo Illustration by Desiree Halpern | Contributing Photo Editor

Media Credit: Anna McGarrigle | Senior Designer

I like to think that I use my iPhone to its full potential.

My phone is an alarm clock, notebook and map all comfortably packed into my pocket. I can get 10 pounds of chicken nuggets from Costco from Instacart or order Chinese food from Seamless when I’m too lazy to leave my room.

One thing I could not do from my phone when I tried was find a date through Tinder.

Since I’m a baseball fan, my (mis)adventures on the app are best described as a strikeout. Whether you take this as a cautionary tale or just a funny story, here’s what happened:

Strike one: My friends are on Tinder

First, I didn’t account for finding my friends on Tinder – or them finding me. Almost immediately after creating my account, I got a text message from a friend who couldn’t believe the poorly set-up profile, of which she took a screenshot, was really mine.

After a few minutes, I got another text. Then another, and another. It was a brand new world I was trying to explore through Tinder, and I wasn’t exploring it alone, which became even more apparent when several of my friends’ profiles appeared in quick succession.

I didn’t know Tinder etiquette for finding your friends. (Do you swipe left or right?) It just added to my confusion. Strike one.

Strike two: My sister is apparently on Tinder

I have a twin sister whom I love dearly (hi, Syd). She goes to New York University, so finding her on Tinder should be a non-issue.

But on the fateful weekend when I installed Tinder, my sister happened to be in the District for her job. I knew that in the back of my mind, but it was not something I was considering when I tapped the app. After about an hour of swiping, I came across someone who appeared to look awfully familiar to me. You guessed it – it was my sister.

I swiped left so quickly I almost dropped my phone. But it was too late, the damage had been done. I knew my sister was on Tinder. Strike two.

Strike three: I got a match

After a couple hours of on-and-off app usage, I was disheartened. Still no matches for me.

And suddenly, it happened. I got a match. I got a match! She was a girl from American University who seemed great. She liked superhero movies. I like superhero movies. She liked baseball, and although she rooted for an American League team, someone who can match my love for the Mets is good enough for me. She was also a photographer, and I like to pretend that I am.

It was actually a good match.

So I gathered up my courage and … deleted the app. I couldn’t think of a clever way to start the conversation. I couldn’t even muster a “Hi.” Strike three, and I headed back to the dugout.

Trying to meet someone through an app was too much for this faux futurist to handle. I can order groceries from my phone, but trying to find a date through it is overwhelming, especially with Valentine’s Day this close. So this Feb. 14, my plan is to film a basketball game, crack open a couple of beers and watch sports with my roommates.

But, hey, my day isn’t set in stone. If you don’t have any plans and like superhero movies, baseball and photography, come find me. Just not on Tinder.

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