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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Gdub cops are masked vigilantes by night

Media Credit: Camera Lenscapster | A Good Pilsner

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Amid a crescendo of neighbors’ cries, Gdub Cops Department officers have been sighted wearing masks and jumping off rooftops.

Subpar campus police officers by day, they have become costumed crime fighters on weekend nights.

But beneath those masks, it’s more than just poorly trained, unarmed foot soldiers of Gdub Cops Department: These vigilantes believe GW students shouldn’t be afraid of their neighbors.

After the University was foiled in its attempt to give GCD officers authority off campus, the caped crusaders decided to take the law in their own hands. They’ve determined, according to their own judgment, that it’s actually the complainer neighbors who need to be tamed.

“Any old person who takes the time to write pissed off letters to universities and hold meetings about this bullshit is truly the criminal here,” GCD Chief Kev Cray-Cray said.

Cray-Cray said the officers have spent hours training to fight rampant crime in Foggy Bottom – from complaints about “that ‘Shots’ song” to whining about beer cans left lying on sidewalks.

Instead of dealing with the crap students do to piss the old people off, GCP will take on the old people themselves.

“Yes, it’ll be complicated,” Cray-Cray said. “It will definitely be difficult to frame old people when it comes to things that are literally occurring in students’ apartments.”

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