Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

April Fools’ Issue: GW offers star-studded lecture

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Two prominent figures will give four guest lectures to students through a new philosophy course titled, “Half Smokes and Bagel Sandwiches: Choosing the Right Meat in Life.”

Shmo, owner of the GW Deli, and MaDouche, the late-night hot dog stand purveyor, will speak to students next week about their time selling goods on campus for the last 97 years.

Students will have to apply to gain admission to the course. The University originally listed this 50-person seminar as open for a public lottery, but he then reversed the decision, citing the tradition of strictly allowing Sigma Chi Association executives, Colonial Inauguration leaders and presidential administrative fellows into this exclusive opportunity.

“We didn’t think it was worth bullshitting all non-GW tools who think they actually have a chance this time,” Columbian College of Arts and Sciences Sister Peg said.

Shmo, a Nobel Prize winner in mathematics and peace studies, will speak to students about his successful career of betting on everything from horse races to street fights.

Described by onlookers as “a beautiful mind,” Shmo has devised a foolproof formula for determining the winner of any game, match, blackjack hand or sorority recruitment.

Shmo’s upcoming book, “Give Me a Second for Approval,” which follows his bestseller “Don’t Forget the Napkins,” explores the algorithms behind gambling. He said it can help any reader statistically determine how many Red Bulls or egg and cheese sandwiches they can fit inside their jackets.

MaDouche, whose lectures are dubbed “The Secret Behind the GW Sauce,” will focus on the century he has spent making hot dogs and pretzels for intoxicated students, and the lessons he’s learned from campus drunkards.

“In hearing my drunken customers’ life stories and SweetSpot bitch fights, I’ve learned so much about what it takes to be a global citizen,” MaDouche said. “Now it’s my time to give back some of the knowledge these students have helped me gain.”

His lectures will center around three themes of advice: Vineyard Vines has a student discount, never bring a purse to Shadow Room and don’t get caught dead at McPhadden’s on a Friday night.

“The timelessness and poignancy of these bits of wisdom have guided me through the good times and the bad,” MaDouche said.

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