A look at the world through my eyes. Well, just part of the world.

Today is April Fools’ – an age-old celebration of everything dishonest.

But seeing as I’ve never been one to follow the crowd, I’ve decided to use this occasion to be entirely truthful about something. I have a confession.

I, Joshua Steven Perlman, am a Facebook stalker.

For years I have tried to deny this not-so-little piece of my identity, but I can’t hide from it any longer. The truth is I spend more time on Facebook than any person should ever spend doing a single activity.

It’s like I’m a drug addict but all I need to get my fix is a charged computer and the click of a mouse. On a good day, I’ll be busy enough to go about my business without seeing visions of my newsfeed and getting that familiar aching feeling in my heart. But on a bad day, I’ll blink my eyes and realize it’s 10 p.m. and all I’ve done is learned the names of my third-grade teacher’s two children.

My failed attempts to do homework are continuously interrupted when my hands subconsciously find my Internet browser’s search bar and type the letter “F.”

I won’t pretend I’m not ashamed, I am. I often have to take extra precautions to ensure I cover my tracks. On several occasions, I deleted some of the recent activity from my profile because I realized I commented on or “liked” a different post every 20 minutes for the past five hours.

You’d think I would just keep quiet about this, but I somehow always manage to out myself in social situations. Once in high school, my friend introduced me to someone and in my state of being overly friendly, I shook his hand and said, “Finally, we meet.”

Really, who says that? He had never even heard my name before, but I knew his hometown and his favorite sports team.

That’s when I find my problem really gets me in trouble. I always seem to know things about people before they get a chance to tell me.

Another friend of mine once got in a minor car accident with an Edible Arrangements truck. I only let him say, “My car got hit by a-” before I finished his sentence.

Thank god for mobile uploads. Am I right?

I like to think it breaks the ice of first encounters, but it usually just scares people away. I’ve become a liability for my roommate, who now has to intercept me when he sees me walking toward someone I’ve never met in person before.

I know I’m not the only one of my kind, though I realize that’s no excuse for my behavior. As there is no cure for my condition, all I can hope is that people will learn to accept me for the inappropriately informed person that I am.