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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Three alumni join Board of Trustees
By Hannah Marr, News Editor • June 21, 2024

April Fools’ Issue: The Corner of Truth

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The University finally did it. It took 190 years but GW finally broke the billion dollar barrier on its debt reaching $1.04 billion – yes, a fucking billion dollars in September. But, because you’re all so busy being super important to your CoS on the Hill, we decided to break it down for you…

$1.04 Billion =

83.33 million taxi rides
(including tip, obviously) for your last-minute dashes from Foggy Bottom to your Rayburn office.

1,757 Tomahawk missiles
to enforce the Libyan no-fly zone.

1.33 million signature two-button navy wool suits
from Jos. A. Bank Clothiers.

200 million pints of Capitol Amber at the Capitol Lounge
to bribe your chief of staff into writing you the most epic letter of recommendation for your White House internship next summer.

12.5 million black folios
to carry around your congressman’s really important and totally confidential papers.

1 Bernard Madoff scandal

50 million do-it-yourself business cards to pass around at all the exclusive Hill brunches.

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