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Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Wine bar on 2200 Penn opens doors
By Ella Mitchell, Contributing News Editor • June 14, 2024

April Fools’ Issue: EVP-elect arrested for Rice Hall assault

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The Unpopular Police Department arrested Socially Awkward Association Executive Vice President-elect Ted Tyson on multiple assault charges Tuesday, after he punched three top University administrators when they refused to make costs “go down, down, down, down, down.”

Tyson – who pledged to be a fighter for students and to cut all fees at the University – allegedly charged through Rice Hall, bullhorn in tow, and punched University President Steven Schnapps, Provost Steven Lemur and Dean of Students Peter Badhairski when they told him some of the fees had already been eliminated.

“NO MORE GRADUATION FEE, NO MORE GRADUATION FEE!” Tyson chanted while being carted out of Rice Hall in handcuffs. The graduation fee will likely be eliminated beginning with the Class of 2012, GW announced last month.

Tyson’s campaign manager Jean-Shorts Andrew – unsurprisingly clad in an unfortunate pair of jean shorts – came to Tyson’s defense, saying his candidate was merely following through with his promise to be “a fighter for students.”

“This proves that Tyson is a true fighter!” Jean-Shorts Andrew said. He refused to comment further, saying he had to go to an important “mingling session” on Capitol Hill.

Tyson was released from jail, after Jean-Shorts Andrew withdrew his library fee and used the cash for Tyson’s bond.

In an interview with The Hot Shit, Tyson denied that his actions were inappropriate, saying that the student body knew all along it was electing a “true fighter” as its EVP.

“I’m just following through with my campaign promises,” Tyson said. “I meant that I’d be a true fighter when I said it over and over and over and over and over again all throughout the campaign.”

A hearing with the Unjust Judicial Service is set for Thursday morning.

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