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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Three alumni join Board of Trustees
By Hannah Marr, News Editor • June 21, 2024

April Fools’ Issue: University-administered drug limits student complaints

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

School spirit on campus markedly improved last week and nearly all formal complaints filed by the student body were eliminated after a University task force began distributing free drugs in Kogan Plaza.

Students were told the drugs – a buff and blue pill comprised of a potent mixture of THC, Aderall and Ecstasy – would help them focus and drastically improve their grades and overall spirits.

Students walking away from the distribution site reported an immediate improvement in spirit, with many seen willingly forking over their tuition dollars at Colonial Central, raving about the food at Jay Avenue and freezing every so often in poses that resemble photographs in nearly every admissions brochure ever produced. The bookstore reported that nearly every piece of GW apparel had been purchased only hours after the pills were distributed.

“Oh. My. Gawd. I. LOVE. GW,” said freshman Menow Luvgeedubs. “I used to have my dad call the University every day to complain about the lack of 10-calorie Kosher options at J Avenue. But all that’s in the past.”

Ambiguously titled administrator John Lennon confirmed the sudden absence of complaints from the student body is the result of an “investment” from the recently formed Let’s Use a New Buzzword to Appear Innovative Task Force. The LUNBAITF is desperately seeking ways to lower costs at the University, and this new “drug,” Lennon, head of the LUNBAITF, said, will save GW $3 million, as student support functions like the University Counseling Center, the Dining Services Commission and University President Schemin’ Steven’s office hours will no longer be necessary.

“We received the brilliant idea in an anonymous letter from 1918 F St. suggesting we could eliminate several costly departments that deal with student complaints with one simple solution,” Lennon said, referring to the yellow house on the corner of 20th and F Streets.

University talker Meshall Workhard, however, denied Lennon’s claims, saying he “spoke out of turn.”

“It is our firm belief that task forces 1,034 and 1,217 are to thank for this upswing in happiness on campus,” Workhard said, muttering under her breath about how employees at GW “do not understand the idea of lying.”

The Machete attempted to revisit Lennon’s statements, but his secretary said he was “on vacation” and would be out for “a very long time.”

Senseless Administration President Toolie Brokenglass claimed the SA is to thank for the increased happiness and school spirit on campus.

“This was the product of countless hours of advocating,” Brokenglass said. “Workhard has been great in assisting our highly regarded organization in eliminating all complaints about the University.”

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