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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Wine bar on 2200 Penn opens doors
By Ella Mitchell, Contributing News Editor • June 14, 2024

April Fools’ Issue: SA endorsement: The Machete’s editorial board

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

After assessing all of the candidates, we have decided that the only appropriate choice to lead the Senseless Administration is us. During our endorsement hearings, it was clear that we are the most knowledgeable on campus issues, have the most life experience and are generally awesomazing (yes, that is a combination of awesome and amazing, suck it!)

It’s simple. People who actually want to be in the SA have absolutely no reason to be in the SA. Somebody who would devote so much time to an organization that everybody on campus hates so much is just dumb. It’s like a black hole that you can’t help but keep falling into as it takes over your social life and homework and.

Anyway, we are clearly the best candidate for leading the SA. In fact, come to think of it, we are the best candidate for every position on campus that has seen or will see a vacancy this year. Shit would get done with us as the provost, and we could grow an even better mustache. Need a new UPD chief? Perfect for us. We guarantee to catch that guy who keeps stealing iPhones. And coaching men’s basketball? Kornonthe Kobbs couldn’t substitute his way out of a paper bag. Give us the job and we’ll make March Madness, no problem.

We are clearly the best, no question. We sit in our Ivory Townhouse twice a week, and just tell you how to live your life. We might as well manage everything else on campus, because, come on, you would be lost without us. So go out there, and vote for us… bitches.


“We could have done this whole fucking issue better.”

Head Ratcheteer, leader of The GW Ratchet.

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