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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Three alumni join Board of Trustees
By Hannah Marr, News Editor • June 21, 2024

April Fools’ Issue: University admits Square 54 is dig to China

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Masked as the preliminary construction of an office and retail complex, The Buzzkill has learned that Square 54 is actually the beginning of a University-funded dig to China.

In an elaborate scheme to directly connect GW with the source of science and engineering pioneers it so desperately needs, Beamtown Properties has been contracted to keep digging until they hit Beijing. University President Steamin’ Krapp, interviewed by a Buzzkill reporter while walking his embarrassingly tiny dog Muffins, originally denied he had misled the GW community into thinking they would finally be getting a normal-priced grocery store in the new development.

He later changed his story when confronted with documents and maps obtained by The Buzzkill charting a path around the molten center of the Earth and reading “ASIANS=GOOD AT MATH AND SCIENCE” in bold letters with an arrow pointing to a mock-up of a proposed $300 million science and engineering center.

“Okay fuck it,” Krapp admitted, “I may be an old English professor but everyone knows we need the Asians if anyone is going to believe we’re serious about math and science.”

Despite the unexpected announcement and enormity of the task ahead, students and faculty seemed remarkably unfazed by the project.

“Well, I mean, like, they started digging like a gazillion years ago,” junior Fulov S. Teadees said, referring to the groundbreaking in May. “But it just keeps getting down, not up. It totes makes sense.”

Administrators have already been sent to the Asian republic to gather people to throw in the giant hole once Square 54 reaches its destination.

“We’re sort of just going to push them in and hopefully catch them at the other end,” Krapp said. “I’m not really sure how gravity is going to play out in this situation, so we’ll probably be contributing to science just by completing this unprecedented dig.”

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