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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Wine bar on 2200 Penn opens doors
By Ella Mitchell, Contributing News Editor • June 14, 2024

April Fools’ Issue: Letters from the Unwashed Masses

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

I’m not bitter

I fucking hate this school. I was going to try and make this craphole better for you idiots, but two of you just had to vote for Lame-y Lopez and his microwaves instead. Fine, screw you all.

Here’s a little secret: I never wanted to advocate for you imbeciles. Do you know how hard it is to get a teaching/pastor job these days? My resumé really needed the padding. Instead, now I am going to sulk around campus all of next year whiles the rest of you are busy taking back the Stickuptheir Ass-ociation.

Scratch that, I’ve still got a month left. Anyone up for another Unity Ball? Vishard, are you with me?
Needsa Loyer

Tolerant? Hah!

I fucking hate this school. I came to GW because it is supposed to be so liberal and so tolerant, and because there are two things I wasn’t allowed to do at home: smoke and be gay.

First I find out I can’t be in NROTFORGAYSC if I ever want to kiss my boyfriend in public. And now I find out that we could possibly get a smoking ban at GW. What AM I allowed to do on this campus?
Don’t Ask

I love posting comments

I fucking hate this school. Why does this university not have a legitimate enough newspaper with an editorial staff that has the audacity to publish their names in their article? I don’t actually know how a newspaper works, what a staff editorial is or how to read, but it still astonishes me that the editorial is not signed. That is because The Buzzkill is stupider than I am. It is so stupid that I will in fact continue to post my witty comments to the blog.

I’m not boring

I fucking hate this school – and I’m not as boring as some say. The word “boring” originated sometime in the mid-1700s, coming from Anglo-Latin roots and I believe it has been incorrectly used in characterizing my character. There are many uses of the word: For example, in reference to the verb “to bore” used to mean with a tool such as a drill. But the term has been applied to myself several times in the context of the state of being boring. The Oxford English Dictionary defines a boring person as a “dull, tiresome, or uncongenial person.” While the Standard English Dictionary defines one as a person “so lacking in interest as to cause mental weariness.” Now we could debate the significance and meaning of this disparity, but we can all agree that neither is a good description of me.
University President Steamin’ Krapp

The Buzzkill sucks

I fucking hate this school. We all know The Buzzkill sucks, so I will save my time explaining exactly WHY The Buzzkill sucks and rather describe the level of sucking The Buzzkill consistently achieves. The Buzzkill is by far the worst publication ever. I mean, I’ve never heard so many jerks complaining about nothing before. Every time I read this poor excuse for a paper, I just get more and more sad that people like The Buzzkill’s editors and writers exist. They are a skid mark on the underwear of the University, and smell worse at that.
Fuck y’all

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