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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Wine bar on 2200 Penn opens doors
By Ella Mitchell, Contributing News Editor • June 14, 2024

April Fools’ Issue: A ‘hair’-owing night: Chemical problem makes swim team ‘fur’-ocious

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Members of GW’s swim team blamed chemical imbalances in the Smith Center pool after the team transformed into werewolves during Tuesday night’s full moon.

The incident began when the usually silky-smooth swimmers reported rapid body hair growth as the sun began to set at 7:29 p.m. The group – who was finishing practice – then got down on their hands and knees and howled at the moon, actions they said were involuntary.

Director of Balls Yak Nopants joked about the incident, comparing it to the 1985 film “Teen Wolf” in which Michael J. Fox’s character becomes a werewolf and, in the process, a better basketball player.

“Do I think we need our basketball teams to jump in the pool? I’m not going to say no to that,” Nopants said.

In November, swimmers reported losing “70 percent” of their body hair after a chemical imbalance in the pool. Team members said they believed the pool was over-treated in response to the previous incident, resulting in their recent symptoms.

Tuesday, the swimmers then ran around campus knocking over trashcans and mailboxes and breaking windows while periodically stopping to howl at the moon, before being stopped by Unarmed Police Department officers.

One member of the team, who requested anonymity because the case against the group is pending, said he has no recollection of the event.

“I remember being in practice and I remember waking up in the holding cell, but everything between then is totally blank,” the swimmer said, adding that others had similar memory problems.

The hair receded into the skin when the sun came up Wednesday morning and the team does not appear to have any serious side effects from the incident.

When reached by The Buzzkill Wednesday, Smith Center manager Mason Wilbon said he was unaware of the incident. Assistant director of athletics Barry Bo Scorner said the University was aware of the problem and working to solve it, but would only say that “obviously, our athletes turning into werewolves is not good for the team.”

UPD chief Dolores Wantsaglock said officers would have shot the Colonials to prevent the vandalism, but they did not have guns.

“We could have prevented them from knocking over at least two or three mailboxes if we had guns and shot them,” Wantsaglock said.

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