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The GW Hatchet

AN INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER SERVING THE GW COMMUNITY SINCE 1904

The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Crime log: Subject barred after shoplifting at bookstore
By Max Porter, Contributing News Editor • February 26, 2024

Spoof Issue: GW opens new prison

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

There is a new housing option on campus this semester, and all the residents living there have no choice to opt out.

University officials said the prison built last semester on the former hospital site on I Street between 22nd and 23rd streets is being used to detain the most problematic members of the GW community.

The building, which has been named Ashcroft Hall, contains members of the unrecognized Sigma Alpha Epsilon, Sammy and APES fraternities; all three students who are vocal against University policy; students who speak for more than five minutes in class; SA members who have been detained as political prisoners; and Massholes who are Red Sox fans.

The impetus for the detention facility came from last semester’s calls for a “fashion cleansing,” voiced by GW’s rich girls, gays, metrosexuals and producers of Worst, an extremely vain fashion magazine.

“We were, like, soooooo sick of all these ugly people wearing clothes that look like they belong on homeless people,” said Ima Vainwhore, president of GW Hottiez, a Facebook group created by four male students who collectively account for every sexually transmitted disease known to man. “I saw someone wearing Champion sweatpants the other day and I literally vomited, and this time it wasn’t even to get skinny.”

University President Slammin’ Jewels Blingenberg said he acquiesced to the suggestion not out of any personal conviction but because he was drunk at the time he was approached with the idea of a GW prison.

“Apparently I do a lot of ridiculous things, but I suppose that’s just the spice of life, like the time I went vacationing in Aruba and forgot to bring my clothes,” he said. Blingenberg then embarked on a two-hour speech that touched upon topics including his knighting by the ruler of Zimbabwe to a transcontinental balloon trip he took with Gore Vidal.

After the prison’s completion in mid-January, University Fashion Police officers clad in leather pants and pink Lacoste shirts with popped collars began detaining undesirables and moving them to the new facility. The building contains a reeducation center, labor factory where inmates produce items to be sold at the GW Bookstore and an odor chamber that exposes detainees to the fart smell generated by girls who make the mistake of eating at Baja Sol, which D.C. Health Officials have said is a “biohazard.”

Fashion Affairs Director Hanz Ludenfrom, a former Austrian clothing designer whose quest to re-popularize the swastika ended in terrible failure, said that after positive results from GW’s first fashion cleansing, administrators decided to detain other troublemakers.

Under the current system, anyone who reports suspicious or illicit activity will be awarded a medal and have his or her name engraved on a wall of “heroes of the fashion revolution.” Show trials held by Stupid Judicial Sham are often followed by corporate parades displaying the most expensive and least useful gadgets available to consumers.

Strangely, room and board for Ashcroft Hall is $20,000 a month, making it far and away the most expensive dormitory on campus.

A typical day for students in Ashcroft involves waking up covered in one’s own vomit – an experience not all that different from life elsewhere on campus – and the consumption of Drashka, a gruel-like product that is fed to condemned prisoners in central Africa and has been banned by the Geneva Convention. The inmates, who are given Prada buff and blue jumpsuits, take classes on how to find the most expensive pair of jeans, why science never got anyone anywhere, planning spring break vacations and how to avoid dropping soap in the shower (and if you do, surviving the experience).

Although GW has been placed higher than Sudan and North Korea on the UN Human Rights Commission’s watch list, Blingenberg has indicated that the forced incarcerations will continue.

“We love all students here,” he said, “except those that don’t look, act or think like us.”

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