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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Crime log: Subject barred after shoplifting at bookstore
By Max Porter, Contributing News Editor • February 26, 2024


Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Jew-W considers Mars campus

Jew-W students will have a closer view of Uranus this fall if the University purchases property on Mars.

University President Sippin Juice IndaTrachtenhood said the $3 billion project is part of GW’s effort to get in on the Bushy administration’s recent push to study the big red planet.

“We’d be revolutionizing higher education – again. We’d be the first University ever to send students to Mars,” IndaTrachtenhood said. “Plus, there is just no more property left in Foggy Bottom, so we have no other options.”

In addition, IndaTrachtenhood said the Mars year, which amounts to about 687 Earth days, will allow for extended class time.

The Mars campus would house incoming freshmeat.

“It can’t be worse than living at Mount Vernon,” IndaTrachtenhood said. “Plus, the lack of gravity would prevent new dorms from earning a reputation like the one that Thrustin’ Hall has.”

-Lizzzzy Foshizzzzy

New Yorkers discover Mason-Dixon line

Residents of New York were shocked to meet students from the southern part of the United States.

After hearing words such as “y’all” and “plantation,” New Yorkers began to wonder what parts of the Empire State use those terms.

“Alabama? Is that in Nassau County or Westchester? I think I went to a Bar Mitzvah there once,” said junior Cyna Gogue, a resident of Long Island.

Gogue said the Alabama resident turned out to be from another state, which surprised her immensely.

Other students from the New York States of America protested outside the geography department building after hearing about various “southern” states, demanding that they were farces.

-Julie Whoredom

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