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The GW Hatchet

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Spoof Issue: Kampf again

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

On the rialto, the second wave of the Third Reich will soon be goose-stepping across the boards. Broadway fans are heaving sighs of disbelief over the latest musical comedy to grace the Great White Way, “Mein Kampf, or How I Learned to Look in the Mirror and Blame Someone Else for What I See.” The production, based on the memoirs of Adolf Hitler, is to be produced and staged by Stevo Bergspiel. The music and lyrics will be composed by the theater’s most prominent voice, Stephen Heimsond. He’s also Jewish.

“We thought it would be an interesting subject to explore, given the recent influx of anti-Semitic sentiments in the media. And we are nothing if not en vogue,” noted Another Jew, the show’s executive producer, in a written statement.

“Mein Kampf” tells the true life story of the great dictator’s constant personality crises, and how he cleansed his own dirty aura by cleansing Germany of what he most identified with – anyone who wasn’t blonde-haired and blue-eyed. In the musical, Adolf Hitler – nicknamed “Honest Ade” by his peers – decides that in order to fix himself, he will rebuild his world from the ground-up.

The SnipIt was able to obtain some early snippets of “Mein Kampf’s” lyrics. From the show’s opening number, called “All on My Own on My Throne All Alone and Unknown,” the following line has been excerpted: “Here’s a thought, remake the Reich / So Jews, you ought to take a hike! / If you thought all men were equal / Here I am, the fascist’s sequel! / But don’t think us something caustic ’cause / We’re donning lots of swastikas!”

“Mein Kampf’s” central anthem is “Plain as the Nose on My Face.” In it, Hitler scales a 30-foot statue of himself and sits atop the outstretched hand (the arm is in the “Zieg heil!” position, naturally). He belts harmoniously to the rafters, “No more synagogues or temples / No more Stones or Steins or Stempels! / What’s the problem with the human race? / It’s as plain as the nose on my face!”

“It’s a story very important to me,” Bergspiel told reporters at a press conference. “We can’t forget this time in our history that affected so many people. But I am of the opinion that a certain somebody may have been a little misunderstood. This musical will explore that notion.”

When asked about how he could tack sympathy onto the personae of the world’s most diabolical dictator, Bergspiel said he had to go to the bathroom, excused himself and never returned to the conference. Before “Mein Kampf” drops on the New York theater circuit in 2005, it will enjoy a series of trial runs starting in Miami Beach and ending up in Syosset, Long Island, N.Y. The decision to premiere the show in predominantly Jewish areas may seem counterintuitive, but the producers have expressed their belief that “any publicity is good publicity.”

“We think they’ll really respond to the material,” Heimsond said at the conference.

He continued with an anecdote about the making of the musical.

“Berger (Bergspiel) and I were in an Applebee’s on the Sabbath, eating bacon cheeseburgers, and he told me his vision,” he recalled. “He asked if I’d be a part of the project, and I told him only on the condition that we can find enough words that rhyme with Nazi. And, well, me being me, sunshine just blew out of my ass and the words flew out of my mouth. ‘Hotsy.’ ‘Totsy.” ‘Bossy’ almost works,” he said. “And if anyone was a little bossy – Am I right, folks?”

Headlining the production will be America’s sweetheart, Tom Hanks, who “can’t sing a lick, but looked positively adorable in the red sash and knee boots,” Bergspiel said. Playing the part of Eva Braun, wife of the Fuhrer, will be Rosie O’Donnell, whose unrestrained inner rage has been described by her contemporaries as “nearly dictatorial.”

The dynamic duo, with the support of the powerhouse production team and Bergspiel’s incredible vision, will ensure that “Mein Kampf” brings down the house.

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