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The GW Hatchet


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Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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FRESHFARM workers ratify union agreement
By Max Porter, Contributing News Editor • February 15, 2024

Spoof Issue: Feminist fruit gone sour

Reader’s Note: This story is satirical and was published in a spoof issue.

Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

Well, we can answer with the utmost confidence that it is indeed a banana. Now, for the first time ever, a group of feminist artists called “Monkey Action” has put together a photo exhibit titled “Fruit-o-FeelYa” exposing the recent trends of male sexual aggression against fruit.

“Fruit-o-philia is a trend that is on the rise among sex-crazed male college students,” said artist and director of the group Les Bian. “I wanted to make a statement about male genitalia and the psyche that stems from it. Men have become so used to looking at women as objects that as long as something can have hole put in it and is wet inside they’ll screw it without hesitation.”

Although it may seem strange, the use of fruit as an alternative to intercourse with a female is far from new.

“The transfer of female sex inconography happened years ago when the Chiquita corporation made that poor oppressed woman with a basket on her head its mascot,” Bian said. “Not to mention the recent trend of numerous citrus-scented perfumes and condoms to hit the marketplace. Little by little, men have been substituting fruit for females. We have to do something. Just because men prefer the smell of pineapple to week-old fish doesn’t mean we have to stand for it.”

The exhibit is a colorful one, exhibiting numerous still photographs of fruit put in compromising sexual positions with the ominous male member. With such titles as “Grape Rape,” “Pineapple Pussy,” “CUMquat” and “Orange: Nothing rhymes with it because men hate compatibility,” it is a wondrous documentation into the sick and depraved depths of the male mind.

“It’s not so much art as it is documentary work,” said artist Gia Spot. “I was just in Provisions one day and noticed some guy pick up a pineapple, gouge a hole in it and proceed to take his penis out and force the fruit to perform fallatio on him. It was awful. The connection between fruit fetishes and the oppression of women in America just became so obvious to me right then and there.”

To kick off the exhibit, both Bian and Spot parked themselves on Kogan Plaza with a large paper-mache vagina filled with bananas and blood oranges to be served to passing students. Things got out of control when a female College Republican opposing the event lost control and proceeded to use one of the bananas to masturbate while screaming, “I fuck fruit too!”

“Obviously the topic is controversial, but it has to be,” Bian said. “Nobody will have sex with us anymore, and with the advent of cloning, it won’t be long until they produce a fruit capable of human reproduction. Then where will we be? Not to mention they won’t even give the fruit it’s own reproductive rights. If we don’t act now, the female race will be extinct and replaced by the Chiquita banana woman! And I’ve got news for you, she’s not a real woman – she’s just a sticker.”

“Fruit-o-FeelYa” makes a valid point all females should consider – are we nothing more than clockwork oranges to be wound up, juiced and drained of all our precious bodily fluids? If so, please join “Monkey Action” this Saturday in front of Rice Hall, where we will throw rotten tomatoes at all passing heterosexual men. If that’s not enough for you, we’ll throw in a large inflatable rat for no apparent reason.

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