Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

Shit just keeps on happening in this joint

University implements “lifetime fee”
Students will have a millionth reason to complain about GW’s extra fees and high tuition when administrators implement a $10,000 per year fee next year that students will pay to the University for the rest of their lives.

Officials said the fee will increase their alumni giving rate and give GW the chance to “be a groundbreaker in the field of fees.”

“I’m always thinking of more ways to get GW back into the Top 50,” said GW President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney, adding that the fee will probably increase by at least five percent in the next ten minutes. “This will put GW on the map.”

The three students who protested the 4.5 percent increase in tuition last month said they plan to hold an even bigger event on Cokin’ Plaza next week. Four other students said they will also be attending.

“Ten thousand dollars is, like, one two-millionth of my inheritance. That’s Daddy’s hard-earned money,” junior Di Mond said. “I’m calling my lawyer.”

Thousands participate in giant orgy on Cokin’ Plaza
The Prick Board’s attempt to promote Nikel sneakers turned into a mass orgy on Cokin’ Plaza Friday afternoon, as several thousand students took Nikel’s slogan – Just Do It Baby! – literally.

As soon as the students saw the signs donning the slogan, they dropped everything, including their pants, for about five hours.

Graham Cracker Muthafucka, a former Stupid Association presidential candidate, ran around distributing condoms, shouting, “Safe sex! Safe sex!” before joining in the fun.

Some embarrassed PB leaders tried to stop the orgy, but others participated, seeing a “business opportunity” in the afternoon’s activities.

Buying Grass, PB executive couch, said Friday’s event marked the largest turnout to a PB event ever.

“Jimmy Eat World is the hippest band in the world, but kids these days are into sex, and drugs, and tend to leave rock ‘n’ roll out of the equation,” said Grass, while spinning around in a chair in his office. “Next year we should consider having a fall sex fest or something.”

Students eventually ended their antics at about 6 p.m., when a gaggle of wild geese started biting students on their asses. This was the first time a flock of birds attacked students on campus, officials said.

Students left Cokin’ quickly, heading back to Thirstin’ For More Hall and other places on campus where they could have sex with five other people in the room.

“I just started getting it on with my boyfriend’s best friend’s fraternity brother’s ex-roommate,” freshman Jenn E. Talle said. “We’ll just have to check out the Moovin’ Center’s bathrooms. I hear they’re a hot spot for ass.”

SJT named as Commencement speaker
To fight backlash against last year’s commencement speaker, president of an Ivy Bush university, administrators said a “familiar face” will speak this year – GW President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney.

“We’ll admit it, no one knew who last year’s speaker was. But this year will be different – everyone knows Tuitionmoney, so no one can complain,” said Boob Lud-needs-a-wig, whore of media relations.

Tuitionmoney is set to speak about the merits of a GW education and what students will be able to do in the future with their degrees from “this most prestigious institute of higher education.”

Students said they are annoyed as usual with the University’s pick, and they wish a celebrity or political figure would come to campus.

“I’ve seen more politicos interning on the Hill than at Commencement,” senior Ova Involved said. “I should be in charge of choosing commencement speakers.”

GW porn star makes feature debut
A GW sophomore, known to most as last year’s “porn girl,” will take her talents to the wild world of adult films this fall. The sophomore, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of sex riots outside her room, will star in Big Dick Productions’ newest flick, Behind Dorm Room Doors.

The sophomore got her start in the business last year when an Internet video of her and her boyfriend circulated around G-dub. She called last year’s project a “gateway drug into the business, like marijuana is into harder drugs” and said she’s excited to start filming this summer.

“My new movie will look great on my resume,” the sophomore said. “Video is so much more credible than Internet movies with credit card theme songs.”

Filming will take place in Thirstin’ For More Hall. Guest appearances will be made by the Moovin’ Center’s Bathroom Sex Crew.
-Juicy Goodstuff

Britney Two Beers comes to campus this fall
Queen of bubble-gum pop Britney Two Beers has confirmed her intentions of coming to GW this fall.

“No, seriously. I am really excited to be going to Georgetown. Oh, I mean, GW,” Beers said.

Students have expressed mixed reaction to Beers’ announcement.

“Do you think she’ll go out with me?” freshman Steve Screwmenow asked.

“It’s unfair! I had to work my ass off during high school, and now this tramp decides that she wants to come to my school?” junior Wanna Bee said.

Other young celebrities are expected to follow suit and apply to the University. According to GW Patriot, Justin Timbertoes has already applied, to be closer to ex-girlfriend Beers.

Faculty response has been overwhelmingly positive, and University President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney has publicly commended the event.

“Celebrities are attracted to our school because we are the modern-day Prometheus of … say, have I ever told you why David killed Goliath?” Tuitionmoney said.
-Matt Windbag

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