Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

PoliCop program to secede from GW

Officials in the Political Copulation program in the School of Mindless and Pointless Affairs announced yesterday that they would no longer accept GW admits into their programs. The program is implementing a three-year plan to purge GW students from its enrollment and secede from the SMPA.

Citing disgust with GW’s second-tier rating and infinite tuition increases for SMPA students, Still Livinstoned, czar of the program, said, “we are way too good for this shit.”

“Seriously, we are embarrassed to have been a part of GW for this long,” Livinstoned said, adding that he tells outsiders he teaches at Georgetown. “Our tighter-than-a-virgin admissions requirements aren’t in line with this high school, I mean, university.”

According to the GW Bulletin, each semester the PoliCop program accepts zero to six applicants per semester and reserves the right to arbitrarily kick students out of the program if their names begin with a vowel.

“It’s our way of keeping acceptance low and attrition high,” said Stephen “Helter” Skelter, a professor who teaches “Spinning: The Art of Bullshitting to the Media” and “Speechwriting: The Art of Deceiving People With Words.”

“If everything goes according to plan, in three years we will have no GW students left in the program … By 2006 we will only be accepting upperclassman transfers from Harvard, Princeton and Yale,” Skelter said.

“Look, the bottom line is, GW students aren’t good enough for this program,” Livinstoned said. “To be honest, if we could, we’d kick out the current class, but that would be unethical.”

A recent University study found that the majority of existing PoliCop majors were among the most despised students on campus.

The study showed that while the excessive work has destroyed a vast majority of the students’ social lives and may have ruined their “college experience,” the “rigorous” and “extremely repetitive” program has been more effective in turning the students into “elitist pricks.”

Learning Howtobullshit, a PoliCop major, responded to the study, saying, “Well that’s true, I am a conceited bastard. But hey, you would be, too, if you had a 3.97 GPA and were one of only four out of 212 students to get into the program.”

Professor Jarols A. Manhandler, who went on sabbatical for a year, commented on the secession plans.

“The fact is, and I know you’ve heard this before, we are too good for this town,” he said. “Even if they built us a huge new multi-million dollar building stuffed with technology and staffed by overpaid famous journalists, we still wouldn’t accept any students from this farce of a school.”

GW President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney said he didn’t care about the secession.

“I can find other students to screw with extra fees,” he said. “Those PoliCop people think their shit doesn’t even stink. I am glad to be rid of the elitist bastards.”

Paparazzi professor Al March laughed at the secession, noting that he doesn’t think any person or department is better than him.

“Even if those PoliCop professors took my classes, they would still get a B plus, at most,” March said. “If anyone should be seceding, it should be me. I am going to start my own university.”

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