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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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GWiting to GWow rankings

In the next phase of its strategic marketing blitzkrieg initiative, the University will utilize next year’s planned writing program to get GW’s name out there in a unique way. A standardized University grammar manual will serve as a basis to teach all incoming students “GWenglish,” in which all words beginning with the letter “g” or “w” will begin with the letters “GW.”

Administrators believe the writing program will now give the University “GWeat publicity those damn rankings committees can’t ignore,” GW President Smokin Jointswithyour Tuitionmoney said. He added that while rankings don’t really matter, GW would do “anything” to get into the U.S. News and World Report top 50.

“Do hyenas consume 90 percent of their prey?” he said.

The writing program task force has set aside an additional $1 million for “GWuh” instruction and $5 million for new computers complete with “GW” keys.

“GW can really be a pioneer with this if universities around the country realize the academic benefits of having students speak my, I mean, their school’s language,” Tuitionmoney said.

In addition, the University will rename the English department “GWenglish,” a move that has drawn criticism from some professors.

“I’m outraged,” said Faculty House of Parliament Chair Callmeprofessor Robertson. “But I wouldn’t want to speak out against the University, so it’s great. I mean GWeat.”

“There is no academic reasoning whatsoever behind this decision,” adjunct GWenglish professor Speakin’ DaTruth said.

In response to the criticism, Tuitionmoney said the “Gwuh” plan originated in the office of Financial Thievery.

Information Systems and Screwups officials said it would take all summer to install computer hardware to accommodate the new program. The upgrade was originally slated to be complete over winter break, but a severe hardware failure prevented ISS staff from working on the project since September.

“GWe GWere GWoing to GWet it done sooner, but someone spilled coffee on all the new keyboards we ordered,” said ISS Head Techie Breakin Bones, practicing his broken GWuh.

The move comes after GW renamed the French department the Freedom department earlier this year.

The idea spawned from past GW programs including GWorld cards, GWeb and a certain campus newspaper’s “GWeekend” section, said Associate Executive Vice President for the University PR machine Gettin’ Withdaking.

“GWuh is a GWeat GWay to GWet GW’s name brand right next to the nation’s GWeatest institutions of higher learning,” Withdaking said. “This will put us GWay ahead of GWeorgetown, once and for all.”

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