Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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The Full Nelson: Trying to cure what ails us

With so many problems popping up in sports lately, you’ve probably been looking for solutions. You’ve even been wondering, “What would Jeff Nelson do?” Well wonder no more, for here are my solutions.

Problem 1: The Knicks have finally had it with Latrell Sprewell but are having trouble trading him.

Solution 1: Hey Knicks! Stop asking for someone of equivalent talent. Trade him for two basketballs and a pair of shoes if you can. He always ends up being a cancer and nobody is going to give you anyone decent in return. Just get rid of him, lose 60 games, and hopefully you’ll end up with the No. 1 pick and LeBron James.

Problem 2: The apparent lack of enthusiasm GW students have for basketball season.

Solution 2: Win. Private schools tend to have less school spirit than state schools, and GW is no exception.

Winning is the only way to get students here excited, but the Colonial men’s basketball team hasn’t won for several years. It seems clear that Coach Hobbs has the team headed in the right direction, but the fans won’t come out until the Ws start piling up.

The women’s team is ranked for the second straight year, but it’s more difficult for them to draw interest. Coach McKeown has sustained consistent excellence here, but it will take a few wins over ranked opponents this year before a real buzz about the team grows.

Problem 3: The overtime format in the NFL has come under fire this season, especially after the Steelers and Falcons had the NFL’s first tie in five years Sunday.

Solution 3: Unfortunately, ties are going to happen. You cannot have football players keep going past 15 minutes – they would be dead for the following week. The real problem is the coin toss that has too much importance under the current sudden death format.

I’d like to see both teams get one possession starting at their own 30. Each offense would have four minutes on the clock and one timeout. If both teams were still tied after this first overtime, a second overtime would be played when each team starts from their own 40, with two minutes and two timeouts. If they were still tied, the third overtime would have each team begin at the 50, with 90 seconds and one timeout. If they were still tied, then it’s a tie.

Problem 4: Shaquille O’Neal’s arthritic big toe is still bothering him and he will have to sit out longer than expected.

Solution 4: Wait a minute. This is only a problem for the Lakers. This is great news for everybody else. Have you noticed how much more exciting things are when the Lakers aren’t dominating? Have you noticed how great it is to finally watch Kobe try to carry a team? He’s going through all the growing pains Jordan had in the late 80s – how much to shoot, how much to pass, when to yell at teammates and when to shut up – except this is after he’s already won three championships. It’s fascinating.

Problem 5: The Bowl Championship Series continues to frustrate college football fans, and there is a growing desire for a playoff.

Solution 5: Unfortunately, a playoff won’t happen because university presidents don’t want it, ABC network doesn’t want it and the bowls have too much power.

I’d like to see them go back to the pre-BCS days, when they play all the major bowl games on Jan. 1, and if the Associated Press No. 1 and the coaches No. 1 is the same team, they are the national champions.

The change: If there are two different No. 1s, those schools would play a game two weeks later at a neutral site for the national championship.

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