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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Crime log: Subject barred after shoplifting at bookstore
By Max Porter, Contributing News Editor • February 26, 2024

The Barbelle: Fraternity House

Bar: Fraternity House

Where: You all know

Crowd: frat boys and sorority girls

Getting In: show them your boobs and you’re a shoo-in

Prices: free (if you show them your boobs)

Food: are you kidding?

Dancing: I guess you could call it that

Pick-ups: they’ll pick you up and take you anywhere you want to go

Pluses: free drinks

Minuses: gets a bit stuffy because the frat boys’ egos take up most of the room

So the Bar Belle had been drinking heavily with a friend for about five hours. They didn’t start too early – it was probably around 4 p.m. As the night wore on, the Bar Belle got antsy and wanted to do some dancing. But, with just a dime to her name, the Bar Belle relinquished and agreed to go to a frat party with her friend. Now frat parties are not the Bar Belle’s scene, and she was not wearing the proper attire to attend. She left her black pants, chunky shoes, tube top and Kate Spade bag at home. Luckily, she had her Gucci sunglasses to wear on the top of her head. So off she went.

When she got to the frat house, they were demanding a five-dollar entry fee. Much to the Bar Belle’s dismay, even her smooth talking couldn’t get her past the short Jewish boy protecting the door. Luckily the Bar Belle snuck by while the boy was helping up some drunken freshman who had fallen down the stairs and lost her tube top. The gentlemen he was, the boy was helping the girl shove her breast back into the thin piece of fabric.

Inside, however, the Bar Belle learned that you also can get in free if you agree to show the boys your chest. But, they reserve the right to deny you if you don’t have nice breasts. Luckily, the Bar Belle is well-endowed, but she didn’t need to use them to get in. No, she saved them up for butting in line for beer. And no the Bar Belle did not flash people. She just needed to show them off a bit.

Now, the Bar Belle was blitzed when she arrived, so needless to say, she was sweating beer when she was dancing. After a few offers to see the upstairs or go for a walk (all of which the Bar Belle declined), she decided to call it a night. She walked past the nice boy at the door, who was still trying to help the girl back into her shirt (but she had started to cry at one point, so now he was consoling her), and headed home. Tomorrow, once the kidneys start working again, the Bar Belle will go to a real bar.

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