Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

GW Votes whoops freshman booty

Unqualified Police arrested GW Votes coordinator Madam’s Nipple today and charged him with assault after he used his Army techniques on two Thrustin Hell students who refused to change their voter registration to D.C.

“They wouldn’t switch so I pulverized them,” Nipple said.

Nipple was petitioning for Eats Minors, a candidate for Annoying Nasty Creatures. Minors is one of three GW students trying to penetrate and soil the ANC, and Minors expressed frustration with the lack of students who were interested in his campaign.

“All you care about is girls and sex and beer, you damn idiot,” Minors said to a third-floor Thrustin resident. “Now will you please vote for me. I am so sorry I was mean to you before. Vote for me, because I was sincere when I apologized.”

Minors ran against the Wicked Witch of the West End and lost 423 to 2. Minors would have received more votes, but he was too busy yelling at cussing out MS Hatchet editors to go vote for himself.

Random subhead (`cause I can’t write transitions)

In an unrelated matter that we couldn’t fit into another story, the University announced Tuesday it is backing out of its contract with Pepsi and has inked a deal with Colt 45, making the smoothest of all malt liquors the school’s official drink.

The contract requires each corner of campus to have machines dispensing forties of Colt 45. In addition, Billy D. Williams will join the faculty as an Adjunct Smooth DaddyO.

“He’s going to teach Mackin’ 111,” said GW president Stickin’ Junk in Trailers. “That’s the intro class, which is a prerequisite for Mackin’ 158: “Bustin’ a Move.” The highest level will be Mackin’ 210 “Not Returning Her Calls.”

But some students have objected to the University’s contract with Colt 45.

“Students really want King Cobra,” said SA President-elect Still 15-Minuteslate. “I’m going to fight for this. Students have a right to choose what malt liquor they’re going to drink.”

“We’re not going back, the contract is signed” said SJT, puffing on a large stogey, flanked by two women in revealing clothing who were making suggestive motions toward him. “It works every time, baby!”

-She’s-A Manneater (watch out boy) contributed to this report.

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