Note from the degenerates who wrote this:

Welcome to our annual April Fool’s issue. We hope it makes you laugh, love, learn and grow intellectually. Well, maybe not the last few. This is intended to be funny, not offend. Everything is written in jest. If you’ve had your sense of humor surgically removed (you know who you are) please don’t read this. But if you are offended and feel a need to complain, take these simple steps:

1. Check your rectal area for large objects (you may wish to consult a physician).

2. Read the offensive material to someone else to make sure you’re not the only stiff out there.

3. Get all riled up and call 994-7100. Please don’t call irresponsible local television news organizations.