Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

There are some facts about which The Toolbox continues to press administrators and prominent campus figures, only to be continually stonewalled. For the sake of a more informed dialogue and in deference to the University’s tuition-paying stakeholders, these are the questions that we seek an answer to:

To Bobbi Churnz:
How old are you actually? And what do you do?

To Sigma Chi:
What’s in the cigars?

To BJ Richardson:
Do you really get brunch with you grandparents that much? And when did you become such a dad?

To President Stealing a Nap:
Is Ruffles pure-bred or a mutt? And when will you take French to Kinkead’s? It’s sexist not to take the girl EIC.

Basketball team:
Those games that you won. Did you cheat?

To GW:
Why are there so many vice presidents?

Tara Partyhard:
Never mind, we’re cool with you.

Graduate School of Political Management:
Why can’t you just get your shit together?

Dougie Funny:
What’s wrong with Amurrrrrica?

Baseball team:
How much does it cost to ride in the van, and why do you only listen to chick music?

Kwasi A-plusman:
Why no block party?

Dylan F Pain:
Does the F stand for fifth floor?

People who punch ceiling tiles in Ivory:
What’s your damage?

Pita Pit:
Why are you so mean to Josh Perlnecklace?

Sister Peg:
How are you friends with Cornel West?

Frank Sesyes:
Why do you make every debate awkward?

Women at Gallery Grill in Ivory:
What did we do wrong?

Student Association Senate:
What the fuck do you do?

FoBoGro:
Why are your sandwiches so small? And why does it take so long? And has Kris Hart graduated?

John Kropfield:
Why aren’t you shirtless all the time?

Brony Taylormade:
Why do you have to leave?

GW Athletics:
What does “Raise High” mean?

Provost Steven Stache:
How long did it take to grow that moustache? And how much money from upkeep comes from the ITF?

The Mount Vernon Campus:
When will you get the hint?

GW Deli hot guy:
What’s your sign?

Thurston Hall:
How fast are you going to go through those condoms?

Tweeter Konwerski:
Who is your hair stylist?

But most importantly of all, to Nap:
Are you buff enough? Well, are ya?