-from your not-so-friendly UPD officers

– If you need protection, call two hours before anything happens. If we’re not on a lunch, coffee, bathroom or donut break or harassing the homeless, we’ll be with you in a few hours.

– If you need an escort van, call four hours in advance. Be sure to be at the curb when we get there. You don’t want to cut in on our naptime.

– Refrain from resembling the homeless. Dirty clothes, unkempt hair, sleeping bags and a state of unconsciousness are all signs of aggression that will be treated with appropriate measures of action.

– Lock your doors, always lock your doors. Whenever in doubt, lock your doors. No really, we mean it.

– Stay away from Aston Hall. You won’t find us there. In our minds, it doesn’t exist. If you are looking for us, first check the Marvin Center bathrooms.

– If you see anyone carrying a gun in the Marvin Center, let us know. We need all the help we can get.

– If you’re calling about SAE, we know. We’re scared, too.

– If you need real protection, call Metropolitan Police. They’re pros; we just like the uniforms.