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Dear Annie,

Recently my best friend confided in me that she’s cheating on her boyfriend. Not long after she told me this, her boyfriend heard from someone that he saw my best friend holding hands with another guy. I told my best friend’s boyfriend that it couldn’t have been her and that she would never do something like that. But I hate that now I have to lie. I really don’t know what to do because I don’t want to betray my friend’s confidence but I also don’t want to lie to her boyfriend who’s become a close friend of mine. What should I do?

Help please,

Friend in the Middle

Dear Friend in the Middle,

Of all the middles you could find yourself stuck in — the middle of the semester, the middle of a long flight or the middle of your siblings — this middle is the most unpredictable and conflicting. You know the semester will end, the plane will land and your parents will love you all the same — even if they have a tougher time remembering your birthday than your other siblings. But in this conundrum, you have to consider: Can you live with yourself if you keep up the lie, or can you keep your friend if you betray her confidence?

You put yourself in the middle. Your best friend introduced you to her boyfriend, as opposed to you having pre-established loyalty to him through a friend group. Though befriending a best friend’s boyfriend may make planning her birthday party easier, it’s not a requirement. You chose to forge a friendship with him while he dated your friend — and college relationships aren’t renowned for their peaceful, clean endings. You may have to consider which relationship means more to you — your relationship with your moral compass, your best friend or her boyfriend.

Before taking any action, talk with your best friend. You already lied to her boyfriend when he covertly asked you if she was cheating, so your first instinct seems to be to protect your best friend as much as you can. Tell her about the interaction with her boyfriend, that someone saw her with another guy and that he asked you about it. Share that you lied to him because you value your friendship but that the fib is weighing heavy on you. Knowing someone’s spotted her with her paramour may push her to tell her boyfriend, as she’ll realize there’s no way she can keep the secret much longer. She also may feel guilty putting the burden on you or worried that you’ll slip up, providing even more intrinsic motivation to tell her boyfriend the truth.

You could say you won’t lie to him again or even provide a timeline for your friend to tell him before you do. You’re warning your bestie, illuminating the limits of your friendship. Refusing to uphold your friend’s scandal isn’t an unreasonable boundary, but it may mean you have to be the one to break her boyfriend’s heart. Telling the boyfriend cements you as being on his side, which may alienate you from your best friend.  

But before you take any action, consider if you want to insert yourself further into their relationship. Your best friend’s cheating is a reflection of their relationship and feelings toward herself, it has nothing to do with you. While her sexual transgressions may impact your friendships, their romantic relationship will bear the brunt of her actions. 

If you want to stay out of the relationship, distance yourself from both your best friend and boyfriend until the cheating comes to light. It will, whether you spill the beans or not. She’s been caught once, it’s only a matter of time before her boyfriend eyes her eating dinner at Western Market with another man when she swore she was studying in Gelman Library. 

Your loyal advice columnist,

Annie