Commencement is a time to bring the whole family together — but for graduates with divorced parents, that might not be ideal.
On a day meant to celebrate your four years of grinding out papers and exams, the last thing any child of divorce wants is to be dragged into discussing the dynamics of your parent’s eventual split. Whether your parents have been bitterly divorced for decades or claim to be friends, here are some strategies to handle any potential awkwardness that materializes throughout the weekend.
Recent divorcées: Show up really early
The National Mall is big — 146 acres to be precise. GW’s Commencement ceremony takes up a relatively significant portion of that area, peppering large swaths of grass with blue caps and white tents. But if your parents just split up, things might be so awkward that you’ll wish the mall was 300 acres to keep them as far apart as possible.
If that’s your predicament, the best move is to just show up extremely early to the 10:30 a.m. Commencement Ceremony in order to get seats in opposite corners of the mall. Maybe one parent is particularly fond of “Forrest Gump” and wants to be seated near the Reflecting Pool, while the other has always wanted to pose for that landmark photo they always wanted.
To really make sure your parents don’t cross paths, you can even send them off on separate, early morning excursions to tire them out before the event begins. Suggest one parent go down to watch the sunrise with you by the Capitol and the other go see the sky turn purple and pink near the Arlington Memorial Bridge. That way, once they both finally wander into the ceremony, they’ll be so exhausted they can just collapse into their seats on opposite sides, perhaps not even knowing the other one is there.
Long-time split up: Don’t let them tiff, riff at a jazz club instead
The saying “time heals all wounds” is never guaranteed. Though the bulk of the tensions surrounding your parents’ split have hopefully dissipated, getting the band back together after years apart is a risky move. To smooth over any stilted pauses in the conversation and keep the vibes mellow, consider an outing to a jazz club.
It’s likely there’s plenty for your parents to catch up on after spending time apart, but chances are, the conversation can just as easily skid to a halt if old grievances or new romantic relationships enter the chatter. Luckily, the swelling of low notes on a saxophone and the interplay of basses and drums will cover any awkward silences.
Perhaps they’ll be able to take a moment and reminisce on their relationship in true “La La Land” fashion, pondering what might have been and being grateful for what truly is: their shared love for you.
“We’ll still be friends”: Bring your paramour parents turned buddies to a biergarten
Your parents may swear they’re still besties post-split until they’re blue in the face. But testing that theory while sober is a recipe for disaster.
Biergartens are meant for back and forth lively chatter. Unfortunately, one joke told in poor taste can easily ruin the positive atmosphere, so keep things jolly by buying rounds of German beers. Plus, if they ruin their pledge of friendship and make snide remarks toward each other, the swarms of just-graduated frat bros celebrating at the biergarten will drown out the comments.
While they get wasted, flex your maturity by guiding the conversation to safe intellectual harbors, like commentary on the various brews or the history of biergartens, which were invented solely so people can drink beer in the summer. Such a mission could bring even the most bitter of enemies together.
Trying to get them back together: Take them to Roosevelt Island
It’s a tale as old as time: an extremely attractive couple breaks up, then they suddenly find themselves together in a romantic island destination and rekindle their love. Or, at least, that’s what Hollywood would have you believe through films like the George Clooney-Julia Roberts reunion “Ticket to Paradise” and recent rom-com smash hit “Anyone But You.”
If you’re trying to follow in the storied tradition of Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney and get your parents back together, D.C. might not be the tropical paradise you’re envisioning for your ventures — there’s a massive, polluted river and plenty of concrete, and there aren’t a whole lot of tropical paradises within the city limits. Despite that, the District does boast one island within walking distance where you can bring your divorced parents to have a decade-late meet-cute: Roosevelt Island.
The island is situated within the Potomac and is full of winding dirt paths, creaking trees and statues of Theodore Roosevelt posing. The myriad of dead-ends and mysterious twists and turns are sure to give your divorced parents plenty of chances to “accidentally” trip into each other’s arms yet again. And, even if they don’t rekindle their lost love, at least you’ll be close to a tribute to a president who knows a thing or two about seeing one’s trust get busted.
