Facing a problem yourself? Annie has answers. Ask away!

Dear Annie,

I have a friend who always suggests pregaming any social outing possible. Last time we were planning to go to the Smithsonian and after we declined her offer to drink with her, she showed up drunk. How should I address this?

Help please, 

Worried Mouse 

Dear Worried Mouse,

Friendships thrive on boundaries. Before you say something about someone’s lifestyle, reflect on whether or not it is your place. Most of the time, it’s not.

From your anecdote alone, your friend doesn’t sound unreasonable with alcohol. Oftentimes, college is someone’s first time drinking, legally or illegally. Drinking socially in your free time may feel exciting. If you enjoy wandering the Hall of Human Origins sober, then imagine how much more fun it might be to see yourself as a prehistoric human with a little buzz. 

Have grace with your friend. I’m sure if you and everyone else in your friend group are typical GW students, you drink socially too. Do you ever participate in the pregaming they recommend? Do other friends initiate drinking plans in your friend group? Was the Smithsonian the only time they showed up as the only drunk one? 

As for addressing their behavior at the Smithsonian, you have done almost everything you can reasonably do. Communicating that you don’t want to drink, rather than giving in to their pressure, sets a boundary for you. Consider if you are a good match as friends. If your friend wants to drink before social events and you would rather not, you might not like to drink. To maintain the friendship, you might need to adjust your expectations. Rather than not expecting them to drink before a social event, only invite them to an event you want to drink at.

If you want to check in, ask your friend how they are doing emotionally rather than commenting directly on their drinking. Asking how someone is opens the floor for them to open up to you. The best friends offer a sympathetic ear, not tell someone else how to live their life.

While neither of us should rush to conclusions, you know your friend better than I do. If a pattern that worries you continues, reach out to a professional. Talk to the Student Health Center directly and browse their resources. If the opinion of a professional suggests she needs help, then direct your friend toward SHC resources.

I have all types of friends. Friends that if I pulled out a bottle of wine on a Friday night, they would give me a side eye and friends that I only see if I want to have a glass of wine (or three). I enjoy my time with them equally for different reasons because I have proper expectations of their behavior.

Hang out responsibly,

Annie