Facing a problem yourself? Annie has answers. Ask away!

Dear Annie,

I’m just out of the honeymoon phase with my first serious partner and am so in love. However, I keep having this feeling that I might be breezing over things they say/do that are actually huge red flags. How do I know if I’m overthinking out of inexperience and fear or if I need to take this feeling more seriously?

XOXO,

Potential Rose Colored Lenses Wearer

Dear Potential Rose Colored Lenses Wearer,

In Tina Fey’s sitcom “30 Rock,” her character Liz Lemon develops a side hustle as a relationship expert, telling questioners whether or not their partner’s behavior is a “dealbreaker.” The problem is that she sees most things as a dealbreaker and is, herself, chronically single.

Accepting another’s eye-raising habits allows us to form lasting connections. No one will ever be the perfect fit for you, sharing your exact values, favorite movies and lifestyle. We have to find someone who matches well enough, accepting their flaws and differing viewpoints. If you look for the picture-perfect partner — one whose words and actions align exactly with your romantic fantasies– you may end up without a long-time boo. 

In deciding if something is a red flag or a consequence of overthinking, make a list of nice-to-have and need-to-have qualities in a romantic partner. A nice-to-have tally may include shared interests, like having a workout buddy or someone willing to try new things with you. A need-to-have list may include building you up or sharing the same view on a political issue, like reproductive rights.

If the concerning behavior challenges something on your want-to-have list, it may be a sign of overthinking as you seek a partner who satisfies everything on your list. Soulmates aren’t real; no pair is destined to be together. Instead, the ideal partners must compromise and accept each other’s flaws. Ultimately, you have to decide if you want to work with or against the people in your life, whether friends or lovers. Ask yourself, does my partner have enough virtues to keep me interested?

If their behavior contradicts an item on your need-to-have list, it warrants reflection. Pinpoint why their words or actions don’t align with your needs. Be sure to communicate with your partner that their behavior is a problem. Vulnerability with your partner will help them understand what you need in the relationship, and they can change their behavior. If they don’t, it may be time to initiate a more serious conversation about the relationship’s future.

While knowing your values helps discern disconcerting behavior, there is no ultimate red-flag detector. Especially with relationships, hindsight is twenty-twenty. You can trace long-term cracks in the relationship to minute behavior in the early days. But if you consider everything a deal breaker, you risk missing out on what could be a fulfilling relationship.

Hope my answer is not a dealbreaker,

Annie