Facing a problem yourself? Annie has answers. Ask away!

Dear Annie,

My friend recently confided in me that he likes the same girl as me. The problem is I want to abide by the rules of friendship, but I also am fairly certain that the same girl is into me (and gay). How far should the “bro” code go if she’s not even into his gender?

Help please,
Close to Joining a Midwestern Emo Band

Dear Close to Joining a Midwestern Emo Band,

Why join a Midwestern emo band when you already have the ingredients for your own punk musical act? With two people pining after the same girl and a stereotypical Midwestern desire for nicety over honesty, even staunch pop fans would fawn over your music.

Friendship necessitates honesty – even when it hurts. This honesty – that the girl probably likes you and is (possibly) not even into his gender – is far from the worst thing you could tell a friend. Imagine telling your bro you went behind his back with the girl. Dating right under his nose could cause irreparable damage to your friendship of Scandoval proportions, causing you to lose the trust of everyone in your friend group.

Before you talk with your bro, consider your intentions with the girl because any dalliance with her could cause at least a sprinkle of awkwardness in your friendship. Are you looking for a long-term relationship, a finals-season fling or a singular night to release the sexual tension? Whatever you decide, how will this girl fit into your friendship? Consider boundaries you may set, like not talking with your bro about this budding romance or avoiding physical affection in front of him.

When explaining yourself to your bro, avoid assuming anyone’s sexual or romantic preferences since they’re complicated, personal and fluid. Emphasize that you like her. Say while you normally would abandon this crush to avoid competing with your bro, you think she reciprocates your attraction. Share the signs – verbal or nonverbal – she gave you. Did you use a “Levels of Attraction” quiz you saw on TikTok to evaluate if her behavior toward you is platonic or romantic? Stress that you never intended to steal the girl, but you cannot give up the opportunity to chase seemingly requited affection.

You wouldn’t be the first bros to duke it out over a girl. In “This Means War,” two CIA agents played by Chris Pine and Tom Hardy compete for Reese Witherspoon’s character, Lauren Scott. After shooting at each other for an hour and a half, they reconcile. While one bro gets Scott, the other bro finds someone who was better suited for him in the first place. Crushing – and even competing – for the same girl does not mean a friendship has to end.

Whether you call it the “bro code” or the “friendship code,” honesty and mutual respect bind their rules together. Learning your love interest is (possibly) gay is better than rejection. It’s a messy situation, but honesty will ensure your relationship stays in the clear.

Hope this helps to navigate your Oh [so] Messy Life,
Annie<3