I read in the paper the other day someone donated $30 million to Georgetown University and the university is renaming its entire business school after him.

Who has $30 million dollars to give to a school? I don’t know. But it would be pretty cool to have a business school named after you. I guess after a certain monetary amount, you get a whole school rather than just a building.

Of course, those are Georgetown’s rules for money donations, not GW’s. I’m sure every school has its own criteria. And I’m equally sure GW has a completely arbitrary system for deciding building names. I can tell just by looking around campus.

If you think about our classroom buildings, you’ll notice several instances of one building trying to pretend it’s two buildings.

For example, Monroe Hall and the Hall of Government. Actually, this might be news to some of you, but it’s the same building.

It’s sneaky, I know. But they can’t fool me.

In the Academic Center, if you turn right from the elevator, you’re in Rome Hall. And if you turn left, voila, you’re in Phillips Hall.

I’ve figured out the reason for this phenomenon. See, Mr. Rome and Mr. Phillips didn’t give enough money to warrant a WHOLE building for themselves, so they have to share. (They didn’t give quite as much money as Dennis New.)

Also, having two different names makes it seem like the Academic Center has three buildings, which is what it takes to constitute a “center.” Otherwise, it would have to be called the Academic Duplex. And nothing about that sounds good.

Those reasons may seem fine on the surface, but it does present a problem. The thing is, we have more buildings on campus than people who give money, so we have to name some of our buildings after letters. Is it just me, or is building KK getting a little too close to a unpopular racist organization? I think you see my point.

This problem could be remedied if we named new or old buildings that don’t yet have names instead of renaming old buildings. But I think it is pretty obvious no one understands that, me included, so I don’t think I need to waste time talking about it.

GW has a sketchy system of naming buildings because it’s primary purpose is not as a university.

It’s a Mafia organization.

Now, please, don’t let on that you heard this from me. I’ll tell you how I know. I live in Munson Hall and my room has a direct view of the Academic Center. I began noticing – and this is absolutely true – that no matter what time it is, no matter what day, someone always is in the Academic Center.

It’s so strange. I’m not talking about the janitors, either. Random people walking around the seventh floor at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday or 11 p.m. on a Sunday. All floors, all times of night have random people walking around.

Clearly, that is the headquarters. That was my first tip-off. Then, yesterday, someone asked me a good question: How is the construction on the mid-campus quad going to beautify campus when a loading dock is right in the middle of it?

I didn’t have the answer but started thinking about the loading dock that goes into Gelman Library. What exactly is being loaded? I can’t help asking: Are we getting THAT many new books? Humph. I don’t think so.

Obviously, GW has a hidden agenda. And if you think about it, this explains a lot. You knew this wasn’t a normal school already. Normal schools have football teams, not entire floors devoted to bowling alleys.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep looking for more signs. I’ll let you know when I discover more – like how far this reaches. (For example, I have a hunch that former Student Association President Kuyomars “Q” Golparvar was involved, but I’m not sure about this year’s SA.)

I’ve taken a great risk telling you this. Don’t worry – I’ll sleep with my eyes open.