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Dear Annie, 

Is it normal to have a personal vendetta against someone you don’t even know? Because I do. It started innocently enough—just a guy in my lecture who always raises his hand. At first, I admired his enthusiasm. Then I realized he was asking questions he already knew the answers to. Like, “Would you say this is similar to what we saw in the optional readings?” But it doesn’t stop in class. He’s always in my usual study spot at the library. He somehow gets to the coffee line right before me every single time. I once overheard him say, “I just think people don’t strive to become more intellectual” and “I need a girl who challenges me intellectually.” I haven’t known peace since. I do not know his name. I do not follow him on social media. And yet, if he dropped his books in the hallway, I cannot promise I wouldn’t keep walking. So, my question is: Is this normal? Do I need to let it go, or am I justified in my completely one-sided rivalry? 

Staying tuned, 

Emotionally Invested Hater

Dear Emotionally Invested Hater,

I put keywords from your submission into Kindle Unlimited and found several delicious enemies-to-lovers romance novels. I’m not sure if “Schooling the Jock” or “The Charlie Method” offer one-sided solutions to your problem, but the sheer amount of results shows you’re far from alone in being unable to avoid someone you hate on campus.

I’m not suggesting you and Mr. Optional Reading have romantic chemistry, nor would I encourage you to find out, as any man who prays at the altar of intellectualism while waiting in line for his Peet’s Coffee can’t have much to offer. The fact that the theme of a one-sided rivalry appears repeatedly proves you aren’t the first to experience an intense hatred for small, seemingly insignificant interactions. It’s a perfectly normal human emotion. But you aren’t the protagonist of a romance novel — you’re a college student. You may have to do some soul-searching to figure out how to cope with your vendetta. 

Reflect on how much time you spend thinking about your one-sided rivalry. Negative obsessions drain your energy. If you find yourself only ruminating on his grating traits after you see him, it feels like you’ve maintained a normal level of hatred. If you’re turning over his words for days after you see him — and since you provided quotes from him to an advice column, it seems like you are —  then it’s time to turn inward. 

Ask yourself what about him irritates you. The vendetta may speak to something going on inside yourself, whether he brings out an insecurity or you see less admirable parts of your personality reflected in him. Does his earlier arrival in the coffee line make you wish you’d not pressed snooze on your alarm? Do his references to the optional readings make you wish you’d gone a step further with your homework, if only to fight with him in class over their meaning? Have you asked if you’re scared of speaking up for yourself, which builds resentment toward those who are over the top? 

Make your hate productive. If his constant preparedness makes you feel inadequate, take the energy you’d spend hating him and put it toward preparing to beat him. Imagine how good it would feel to walk out with your coffee while you see him heading inside, or how satisfied you might feel when you contradict him in a lecture. Show him what it’s like when people “strive to become more intellectual” to rub it in others’ faces.

Perhaps his behavior reminds you of traits within yourself that you wish to repress. Maybe you were called a teacher’s pet in elementary school, or yearned for a potential romantic partner with more depth. If that’s the case, you could lean into these thoughts, perhaps finding freedom in shedding some layers of social conditioning. You could also simply acknowledge these penchants within yourself. With any obsession, acknowledging its origins can be the first step in letting go.

Hating without a place to put your brewing negativity is a waste of time. Take your energy and use it, whether by discovering something about yourself through reflection or learning new things by doing the optional readings. After all, Kendrick Lamar put his feud with Drake into a song and performed at the Super Bowl. When a hater puts their mind to it, the world is their oyster. 

Emotionally invested columnist,

Annie