Facing a problem? Annie has answers. Ask away!

Dear Annie,

My mom worries about me all the time. She tracks my phone and sends me texts before I go out reminding me to “be safe” and “stay close to my friends.” I get all parents worry but this is too much for me being a 21-year-old girl. I love her bc she’s my mom, but how can I get her to loosen the reins?

XOXO, 

overgrown baby

Dear overgrown baby,

As long as there have been parents, there have been kids desperate for independence. In the musical “Hairspray,” one of the show’s most extravagant numbers is literally called “Mama, I’m A Big Girl Now,” as the teen characters plead for independence from their mothers, proving the conflict’s relatability. While we can’t all prove to our moms that we’ve grown up through a song and dance, we can take some pointers from the musical’s girls and speak up for ourselves.

Though I don’t know the full extent of your 21-year relationship with your mom, nor do I have any parenting experience of my own, I imagine she wants to protect you from dangers she’s conjured in her head, some of which are rooted in real-world scenarios, or just things she’s read on the exclusive GW Parents Facebook group. Even if it comes from a place of love, her constant reminders might feel controlling and frustrating as you wonder what you’ve done to earn this level of helicopter parenting, especially at this stage of adulthood. 

Have a conversation with her where you come to a compromise. Next time you talk to your mom, tell her she needs to cool it on the stream of texts. Let her know how they make you feel, whether that’s infantilized, frustrated or stressed that her pessimistic prophecies could come true. If you want to soften the blow, borrow a line from the teenagers in “Hairspray,” telling her that she’s always taught you right from wrong and now you want her to watch you fly as you explore the world for yourself.

While the teenage characters in “Hairspray” keep the conversation one-sided, focusing on their exasperation, leave space for your mom’s side of the conflict. Ask her why she’s so worried about you. Her worries could originate from negative experiences she had in college. After all, the general risks of a night out like handsy boys, unreliable friends and excessive drinking are timeless and real. You could let her know the precautions you’re taking so she can sleep easy at night. She could also suffer from empty-nest syndrome, in which case you could remind her that you’ll always find time to come home to her despite the craziness of college. 

If you’re truly a big girl now, you should be able to hear your mom’s side of the story and come to a compromise. But some moms may make compromises harder than others. You know your mom better than I do, so you know how to negotiate with her best. Maybe your mom heard clearly and will try to quit following your every move through tracking your phone and cold calling on the regular. More likely, however, you could develop a new system. Perhaps you text her after an outing to let her know you arrived home safely. However, if your mom isn’t receptive to your feelings at all, you might have to set boundaries on your own. This could include letting her calls go to voicemail when you’re out. Before setting any boundary, consider if the freedom it might bring justifies potentially exacerbating the situation. 

Parent-child dynamics are complicated. There are layers of history, as parents can be the longest relationship many college students have at this point in their lives. When asserting our independence from our parents, we should be firm yet empathetic. As the characters in “Hairspray” sing, moms ultimately want what’s best for their daughters, even if giving their worries a rest feels impossible.

Giving you a push,

Annie