Facing a problem? Annie has answers. Ask away!

Dear Annie,

What level of missing an ex is okay? I have been seeing other people but I still miss her a lot — even though we were only together for like 1.5 months? I’ve been in yearlong relationships that haven’t had this effect on me. I feel it is not fair to this new girl to continue dating her when I miss someone else, but how can I get over someone without having someone new to distract me? I almost feel as if I’m using her, which would make me evil of course, but I need to have someone there to cuddle with and kiss. At the very least I want to keep seeing her until Valentine’s Day, but that is giving her false hope, right?

Help please,

Confused Lover

Dear Confused Lover, 

When Taylor Swift dropped “The Tortured Poets Department” after ending a six-year relationship with actor Joe Alwyn, everyone assumed the album would be all about him. Swift shocked everyone when a plethora of songs were reportedly centered on her less-than-two-month romance with Matty Healy. If obsessing over a short-term relationship can happen to a superstar like Swift, it can happen to a college student.

It’s normal to miss an ex in the sense that it’s normal to miss anyone with whom you spent a lot of time. When it gets in the way of forming new connections, it’s a sign you’re not over them. It doesn’t matter how long you were together when you liked someone. All that matters is you were together and it meant something to you. 

You’re right that it isn’t fair to see a new girl while hung up on your ex, but you’re not evil for wanting a physical connection. Who doesn’t? During emotionally intense times — like a breakup — we often adopt habits that don’t reflect who we really are. You may not typically use someone as a coping mechanism, but missing your ex may have left a romantic vacuum you need to fill at all costs. 

Whether it’s our worst or our best behavior, there are consequences. People aren’t distractions. In situations where people’s bodies and feelings are vulnerable, like when seeing someone new, we have to treat them with care. Reflect on what you want and be honest with your cuddle buddy. 

Ask if you enjoy spending time with her. Not every connection has to end in a lasting relationship. Some can just be a good time. Then, tell her that while you enjoy spending time with her and want to keep seeing her, you’re not prepared for a relationship after your last one. Once she has the facts, she can decide if she wants to keep seeing you. She may feel brave enough to tread the murky waters of hooking up with someone missing their ex or want to jump ship.  

Regardless of how you or she feels, avoid waiting to have this discussion with her just because of Valentine’s Day. The longer you wait, the more hurt the new girl may be. You’re not committed to this person nor want to be, so you have no obligation to make Feb. 14 a special day. The best “gift” you can give her is honesty. 

Getting over a breakup varies by person and it doesn’t have to involve dating someone new. Give yourself time to mourn, whether it’s ugly crying while watching your favorite sitcom or calling your mom excessively. Use this as an opportunity to focus on yourself, reconnect with old hobbies and rekindle friendships you may have neglected during your past relationships.  

Breakups are tough no matter how long the relationship lasts, though it’s not an excuse to treat people selfishly. Be honest about your feelings with this new partner and with yourself. You need to give yourself appropriate time to mourn. Your process may not look like kissing someone new just yet.

Always honest,

Annie