Facing a problem? Annie has answers. Ask away!
Dear Annie,
My friend won’t stop talking about her “situationship,” and her complete disregard for any constructive advice is driving everyone nuts. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
When “Sex and the City” star Carrie Bradshaw told her friends she didn’t need therapy because she had them, her often-wise friend Samantha responded with the truest words: “We’re just as f*cked up as you are. It’s like the blind leading the blind.” Fed up with Carrie’s endless emotional dumping, her friends had to set a boundary.
Your friend’s dismissal of your advice is making you feel like you have a screw loose, and she’s the one that gets the nail. Situationships are intense relationships usually defined by one party who doesn’t want to commit and another who pretends they’re cool with being casual. As the lunching ladies of Manhattan who dominated early aughts television explain, you can vent to your friends when you’re having relationship troubles, but there is a limit to what they can take. That’s when you need to call in the professionals — therapists, moms and your favorite advice columnist — which better be me.
Before you tell your friend she’s driven you nuts, ask yourself if she asked for your opinion or merely ranted. People often just need someone to listen to them. When it’s about embarrassing, desperate college hookups, we reach for our good friends. If she’s not asking for advice, embrace your role as a sounding board by listening and commiserating. Stop giving your opinion to lessen your frustration toward her disregard. She’s in the trenches and may need you as a friend, not an analyst.
If she’s specifically seeking your advice — or her ranting has exhausted even the most patient friend’s good graces — set a boundary for yourself. Politely mention you can’t rehash the situation for the thousandth time. Articulate you want to be a supportive friend, but you’re exhausted of unpacking unchanging behavior.
Especially if she comes to you for advice, mention other places she could go instead, like a therapist, writing to “Ask Annie” or even journaling to fill the blank page with her thoughts. Share that you want to know about new developments, but you can’t hear she’s “the best thing that ever happened” to her no-strings-attached bedfellow for the millionth time.
You need to take care of yourself, but be gentle with your friend. She’s insufferable to you, so imagine how much she’s suffering, whether it’s purely that this fling rotted her brain or she’s hyper-focusing on it as a distraction from deeper problems. If she slips up and mentions them after communicating your boundary, don’t roll your eyes or rush to remind her of her mistake. Listen with a kind nod. Tell her you understand and direct the conversation toward something lighthearted — like a singer you both love or drama with a campus celebrity you have a parasocial relationship with.
Friendship is a two-way street. All things unlucky, you might have a situationship that makes you as melted as your friend. You need to stay sane, but remember that you’ll want friends who tolerate a reasonable level of your ranting if you’re ever in her position. As whiny as Carrie Bradshaw is about her boyfriends, she’s right about one thing: There’s no such thing as a knight in shining armor. There’s just your friends.
An (un)professional advice columnist,
Annie
