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Dear Annie,

My two best friends broke up after dating for a year and now they’re asking me to choose sides. Neither one of them cheated on the other or anything, they realized they have some political differences they just can’t work through. I’m getting gnarly flashbacks to my parents divorce thanks to them but idk how to tell them I want to stay friends with both of them. How do I avoid breaking up with either friend?

Help please,
clueless child of divorce

Dear Clueless Child of Divorce,

A friend to all is easier said than done. With a neutral mindset and time, you can maintain your friendship with both parties.

Sitcoms make incestual friend groups look simple. When characters on television break up, it might be awkward for a few episodes — a whole season if it’s really dramatic — but the characters and their friend groups move on fairly quickly. You know from experience that reality is more complicated. You’ve already weathered the breakdown of your parents’ marriage, so you can also survive the break-up of your 20-something-year-old best friends’ relationship.

Avoid entrenching yourself in their break-up. Listen to both sides. When speaking to one party, refrain from offering your opinion or agreeing with whoever you’re speaking to if they talk trash about the other. Keep what each person tells you confidential. To truly be neutral, you have to act as a confidante, not a spy for the other party.

Time is your friend. It heals most wounds. Don’t invite them both to group events for the first few months after their break-up. Instead, spend time with them separately. Make an effort not to prioritize one over the other. If you get a meal with one, maybe get a meal with the other the next day. If they ask who you were with, tell them the truth. They already broke up with their partner. They don’t need a lying friend.

Be vulnerable and honest with your friends about your intentions. Communicate that you understand they’re hurting, but you value and want to continue your independent relationship with both parties. Reassure each friend that you do not have any ulterior motives — you just want to see them both happy. If your friends started dating, sharing you as their close mutual friend, I’m sure they knew in the back of their minds the end of their relationship could negatively alter the dynamic of your friendship.

As much as you want to stay neutral, loyalty has its virtues. While we may wish friendship could be like a “cake made out of rainbows and smiles,” we can’t be delusional. Even if their breakup wasn’t gnarly, I’m sure it was painful. Though noble and reasonable, your divided support may add to the hurt, especially when it’s a matter of our most irrational organ: the heart.

Best of luck in negotiations,
Annie