Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The Textile Museum
The University took some heat for putting a museum of rugs on campus, but as usual, its heart was in the right place. The museum is an attempt to correct a long-standing issue: Students just don’t have enough to do. Between classes, extracurriculars and all that D.C. has to offer, GW finally realized we’re bored out of our minds.

This spring, the typically listless GW student can look at rugs, talk about rugs and even listen to other people talk about rugs.

Cafe Aria
With convenient hours and a modern-yet-cozy aesthetic, Cafe Aria has always been a student hub. Its food is far superior to the GW Deli, and it’s always there to rescue you from the 4 p.m. drunchies the way Carvings can’t. Up close, the grub may look subpar, but it’s really just a ruse to weed out the haters. True fans are over the organic movement and ready to get back to a good old-fashioned processed lunch. Take that, Subway.

Avoid the popular joint around lunchtime to snag a seat with the best view in Foggy Bottom: Thurston Hall. The remainder of freshman year will undoubtedly sit well in your stomach as you chow down on Cafe Aria’s world-renowned free bread.

The Marvin Center
Tucked into the cultural crease of the Foggy Bottom neighborhood, the Marvin Center is the best-kept secret on campus. Its locally sourced soft pretzel establishment offers organic lemonade and grass-fed hot dogs, giving the building a savory scent.

The Marvin Center is also home to Patriot Pathways, where students have the chance to run into the same 20 or so people they see most on Facebook and who the University’s mouthpiece, The GW Hatchet Job, often quotes. If you’re tired, the silver benches on the first floor are a comfortable – and not-at-all impossible – place to sit.