Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

J Street: You either love it or you hate it. But you probably hate it.

All freshmen are required to spend a hefty sum at J Street each semester. As a result, students who have resorted to alternating between SweetGreen, Thai Place and Bertucci’s for dinner each night can be seen scrambling to spend their GWorld money on water bottles and candy bars at the end of the semester.

Time to finally fix that. GW, take out the salad bar and the Vietnamese food: Let’s turn J Street into a tapas restaurant. Time for José Street.

Here at GW, we’re taught to make the District our oyster. And the University itself has done that by hiring José Andrés, a D.C.-based celebrity chef, of all people, to teach classes and even deliver this year’s Commencement address. So let’s employ his culinary expertise J Street.

Administrators have struggled to come up with a solution to lagging J Street sales for years – just like they swung and missed when trying to seek out an accomplished Commencement speaker. Time for the Spanish chef to bail them out again.

It was a big hit when José cooked his giant paella in Kogan Plaza. It was a unifying moment for the students in his class, who were fed with as much paella as they were naive sustainability, save-the-earth bullshit inside the classroom. GW can replicate that magical Kogan plaza, everyday from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. for a cafeteria that specializes in

For years, students have argued that having a campus cafeteria is a burden rather than a blessing. They’ve proposed changes and suggested lowering the amount of money students are required to spend there. Some especially angry freshmen have even advised that J Street be eliminated.

But such a drastic step isn’t necessary. We’re not thinking creatively enough.

Giving the campus cafeteria a Jose Andres-inspired flair would undoubtedly encourage more students to spend their money there throughout the semester. Besides, Spanish tapas and paella are one of the few ethnic cuisines not represented in Foggy Bottom – a shameful reality given our close connection with one of the leading tapas-makers in the world.

Justin Aniston, a junior majoring in schmoozing and boozing, is The Hatchet’s resident yenta.