Chase Hardin is a junior majoring in international affairs.
Listen, Edward Snowden ain’t got nothing on me. And the NSA ain’t got nothing on GW’s surveillance of Facebook.
GW now looks more like North Korea watching our hashtags, our “Overheard at GW” Facebook posts, and our darkest admissions on “GWU Secrets.” And like Snowden, I come bearing a disturbing truth: We’re being watched.
The Office of Health and Safety, brigading as a 21st century Committee of Public Safety, swept through Ivory Tower before winter break, affixing festive green and red “pass” or “fail” door hangers, reprimanding you for your contraband candles, waffle irons and gerbils in a valiant effort to protect your health and safety.
I happened to be in my dorm room when the searches occurred, giving me a chance to throw four candles in a drawer before the KGB found them. But I missed the one on my roommate’s desk. The candle was confiscated to ensure I didn’t burn down the dormitory. It’s a fair concern. We as young adults – some entrusted with assault weapons in the military, ballots in an election and occasional security clearances – certainly can’t be trusted with common household items like candles.
After the safety brigade departed, I plucked the pink door hanger from my fridge, ignited all the candles I could find and arranged them in a wreath around the certificate of failure. Snapping the picture, I posted it on GW’s “Overheard” Facebook page. “Viva La Resistance!” I defiantly captioned the photo.
But shortly thereafter, they returned. And this time, they knew where to look. Big Brother was watching – closely. Less than 45 minutes after I posted the photo online, four – yes, four – gentlemen from Health and Safety pounded at my door.
They must have decided that a member of the resistance was unlikely to cooperate. The brawny fellows – having donned their intimidating “Health and Safety” windbreakers – told me to hand over the candles to avoid “making it a UPD issue.”
I thought I was being punk’d. But I had been betrayed by someone in our ranks – the ranks of “Overheard” – and the threat of University Police Department intervention prodded me to cooperate.
Health and Safety sympathizers chided me on Facebook for foolishly mocking University procedures, and I certainly understood that a public forum was almost assuredly going to be seen by the authorities. But the swiftness and seriousness of their retribution shocked me.
Candles might involve fire. But of all potential fire hazards – including amenities that nearly all rooms at GW are equipped with, like microwaves and stoves – candles are the line in the sand? It’s almost as arbitrary as what constitutes an “emergency alert” from UPD.
I did learn something, though: The University watches Facebook. Or at the very least, has informants (read: KGB sympathizers) inside our social networks. Also, they take their official candle policy more seriously than they take their official admissions policy.
In memory of the fallen four candles, I lit the last one – the last candle they did not find.
This post was updated Dec. 30 to reflect the following correction:
Chase Hardin is a junior, not a sophomore.
