Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Why does J Street still suck despite revamps every summer?
When will tuition stop increasing?
Why Ruffles – why not Lays?
Why would the University conduct an audit but never get a fucking written report of it?
What do you really do all day?
Why do you drive your Prius one block away to 1957 E Street?
What do you like to eat at Founding Farmers?
How did you meet your wife?
What’s your favorite food for your chefs to prepare?
Have you ever eaten a pretzel from Auntie Anne’s?
Do you name the sheep on your farm?
What are their names?
When you have trouble sleeping, do you count them?
Marry, fuck, kill: Stephen Joel Trachtenberg, Barbara Porter and Provost Steven Lerman?
Under your house on F Street, is there a dungeon where you slay hippos?
Are you afraid you are going to be killed off on this season of Game of Thrones?
Do you have a hot tub in your backyard?