Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Cultivate Eskimo siblings
They are your family away from home.

Gelman is hot
If someone burned down Gelman for the insurance money we wouldn’t be too sad.

Handjobs are the poor man’s blowjob
You’re in college, grow up. Also, spitters are quitters.

#onlyatgw
Is not a real thing… Nobel Laureates teach at other schools too.

Dana Perino
GW’s first professor with a rockin’ bod.

Half-time exodus
People who ditch basketball games at halftime kinda suck.

Diversity and Inclusion
We’re in favor of diversity and inclusion… we just don’t know what it means. Not sure whether the administration does, either.

SA
Hope this means “sexually active,” but it probably doesn’t.

Transparency.

Let’s fix J Avenue
More plasma screen TVs, please.

Vincent Grey
Looks like Skeletor. There, we said it.

Jeggings
Just say no.

Wolf Blitzer
Did he go here? Why is he always around?

Tony Taylor
202 944 7550. You know what to do.

PAF
Delaying the real world for two more years.

Big George
Is terrifying.

Gelman Pooper
Shit happens.

Pouring liquor in your eye
A fucking awful decision.

4-RIDE
That’s okay, take your time.

FoBoGro
After all the coverage, why isn’t there a Hot Shit sandwich?

Milkshake machine in Pelham Dining Hall
We know you’re a wizard. Bring one to Foggy Bottom.

Your comment in poli sci lecture
Doesn’t matter. Shut it down.

Study abroad
Is just parent-funded partying.

SA elections
Are over, but we still want a block party.

Staff editorials
You just don’t get them.