So we are here. No thanks to Southwest Airlines. Southwest Airlines, you are stupid.

Yes, I get it. You are really laissez faire. And yes, your staff is zanier than a grizzled Ed Debevic’s employee. Here’s the thing, I hate it and I hate you.

(Note: at some point this will cease to be about how much I hate traveling, this will be noted in bold red font should you want to skip this. But you shouldn’t. Because I am full of righteous fury.)

So we booked a flight to Austin on Southwest Airlines. Killer. They have great deals and a TV show. However, what they fail to mention on their Web site is that simply because a flight purports to be landing in a city without any layovers does not mean it will land in a city without any layovers. Rather, my new archenemy Southwest sees planes as glorified buses, frequently stopping to drop off people and let more on. AND when one is staying on they are not allowed to leave the plane (EVEN THOUGH THERE IS A SONIC IN THE AIRPORT IN OKLAHOMA CITY AND I DID NOT GET POPCORN CHICKEN AND EVEN THOUGH WE LANDED TWICE BEFORE ACTUALLY ARRIVING AT OUR DESTINATION.) I hate you Southwest. I hate you so much.
BUT it is not just the drunken flight path that is so offensive. Apparently it makes more sense to forsake any mode of organization and just let people rush the plane in hopes of getting a seat. After kicking some dude in the face in an attempt to board Ani and I found seats in the 17th row of the plane. Awesome. The 17th row has always been noted for its excellent over-the-wing view and the ample space to store baggage afforded to it. In the row in front of us sat several pleasant looking gentleman (only slightly bruised from the anarchy that is getting a seat) and to our left sat a lovely looking woman in her fifties.

HOWEVER, these people sucked. I am now steering into the territory of defamation which, if nothing else, should be fun to read.

The woman to our left was an accomplished musician. Or at least she told everyone who would listen to her that she was. The entire flight. Like, all of it. As she casually strolled through the aisle she would announce that she had written two albums with some Canadian dude and that one time she fired an entire group of singers because they could not play up to the standard she expected, so she did it herself (see: Ani’s comic.) After celebrating her illustrious career she handed another passenger her business card. Which was produced at vistaprint.com. For free.

Fine, crazy old ladies. That happens. It was the sexist dudes in front of us that made me want to headbutt open a window and suck the entire group of travelers to the ground (as seen in “Goldfinger”… or “Snakes On A Plane.”) These three onetime affable chaps decided that there was no better time to ceaselessly “spit game” at the stewardess. “Spitting game” in this context meant promising, I swear to God, lavish barbecues at their Oklahoma City bachelors pads. However, upon learning that they had inadvertently invited the entire flight crew (including “that old one”) the dudes giggled about it as if nothing had happened. JUST GIVE HER A NOTE ALREADY AND ASK HER TO CHECK IF SHE LIKES YOU.

ALSO I had a sunburn.

Flying Southwest Airlines is worse than listening to people go through their polyphonic ring tones and asking which would be best. I hate it. I hate it so much.

They did give us free beer for St. Patrick’s Day, so that was hilarious.

Oh yeah, and their crossword puzzles were simplistic.

HIGHLY ACCURATE AND FAIR CRITICISM COMPLETE

I have never been to Austin and I imagined it to be a buzzing metropolis full of Rock and Roll and Tex-Mex. Turns out the entire city is about the size of the Pentagon City Mall. That’s not to say it’s not pretty radical – it seems to be – but it can literally be walked in a matter of minutes.

So there’s that.

I saw “American History X” when I was like 15 and it taught me two things. One: racism is way whack. Two: End papers with quotes so:

Southwest Airlines – I hate the word, as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee (again referring to Southwest Airlines)

-Tybalt (Baz Luhrmann’s “Romeo + Juliet” staring Leo DiCaprio)

A.