Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Nearing the commencement of his fourth year in college, Adam has learned quite a few things about sex. Adam, The Hatchet’s anonymous sex columnist, will share his observations and (sometimes dirty) thoughts about sex at GW with the population that fuels his fire.

Editor’s note: names have been changed to protect the naughty.

Dear Adam,

My girlfriend doesn’t like to give me head because she’s scared of getting lockjaw. What should I do?

-Relentlessly Wacking

I don’t get it – what’s so scary about lockjaw, anyway? It seems to me like your girlfriend getting lockjaw might help her out in the long run. Think about it – she wouldn’t have to worry about keeping her jaw open all the time because, you know, it’s stuck that way. True, she may not be able to chew for a while, but at least she won’t scrape your cockhead on the back of her teeth anymore.

But seriously, that’s a lame fucking excuse. At what point did you decide to make this bitch your girlfriend, given the fact that she doesn’t give head? You should try showing her a good porno so she can learn the proper technique. If she still won’t comply, perhaps you should try jerking off on her face. Aim for the eyes (for revenge).

Dear Adam,

I woke up next to a troll this morning. What happened last night?

-Still Drunk

Ahh, yes. Who could ever forget the wonders of blackout sex. Oh yeah, YOU could . because it’s BLACKOUT sex.

Way to go, dude! OK, first things first- you need to consider the following questions: Does it burn when you pee? Do you have any scratches or bruises anywhere on your body? What’s the last thing you remember?

To be honest, I have no fucking idea what you did last night, ’cause I was right there with you taking shots of Jager at 3 a.m. But hopefully this morning you took the proper precautions, like not giving her your real name. If she ends up Facebooking you, then you’re really fucked, because that means you have mutual friends (this is GW, after all) and people will find that shit out! You can always blame it on the liquor, but you’ll never be able be able to live it down if she’s uglier than Ann Coulter’s horse-face – or if this ‘troll’ was in fact a dude with long, girly hair. Oh, shit!

Dear Adam,

My boyfriend and I are in a long-term relationship, but lately he’s seemed uninterested in having sex with me. Am I doing something wrong?
-Unsure
The short answer is, well, yes – you probably are doing something wrong. Maybe if you weren’t such a boring fuck, he would be more inclined to sleep with you more often. Try offering him the other side, and maybe then he’ll perk up more often.

The other possibility is that he’s found someone else to satisfy his needs. If that’s the case, then your best bet is to get back at him by being a total whore. You can start by coming over to my place tomorrow night – I’ve got the liquor and lube waiting…