Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
In a drastic measure taken just months before he leaves office, University President Supposedly Jobless Trachtenbye said he is implementing a zero-by-40 class academic structure, set to begin next fall.
“Something happens here at GW,” the outgoing president said. “We want to make sure that what is happening is what the student, the consumer, really wants. What most students want is to not go to class.”
The plan, which will have students taking zero classes a semester, worth 40 credits each, replaces the four-by-four plan proposal Trachtenbye has been pushing for years. He said the new plan will allow GW to best utilize its Washington location as students will no longer have the burden of scheduling their classes around their internships on Capital Hill.
Tuition will radically rise again, Trachtenbye said, even though the number of classes students take will be decreasing by 100 percent.
A faculty member who has been charged with investigating the feasibility of the plan said the numbers simply make no sense.
“We’ve run the models, and zero times 40 never equals anything more than zero,” said economics professor Deliberately Patronizing. “What all this really adds up to is nothing.”
Trachtenbye said the money saved from a plan in which professors and classrooms are no longer necessary will allow GW to build new dorms that will attract better students – all while saving money. The University has already begun the first steps of phasing out faculty members by no longer recognizing any part-time instructors.
Trachtenbye said that because students will no longer need a place to study in, Gelman will be converted into a giant food court with three Starbucks and two Chick-Fil-A’s. The food venues will only be open for one hour a day and not on weekends.
Students have shown tremendous support for the 0x40 plan.
“It’s always really hard for me to figure out how to change clothes before my internship. It just takes way too much thought and effort to get my leggings and Uggs off and put on a business suit and shoes without wool spewing out of them,” freshman Jappy Japperson said. “Now, I won’t even have to worry about that because there are no classes.”
Elizabeth Christina Buttersworth IV, a prospective student on a campus tour Saturday, said she likes the idea of a college that doesn’t have classes.
“I’ve always heard good things about college: the drinking, the sex, the dorm life, the paying jobs. But everyone seems to hate the classes,” Buttersworth said. “Finally I’ve found a college that really understands the best purpose for higher education.”
The faculty, though, is not as enthusiastic about the new curricular structure. The Council of Pompous Professors issued a resolution critical of the plan, calling it a ploy to save money that will be detrimental to academics at GW.
“This dictatorial administration is acting without concern for the wishes of faculty members,” the resolution reads. “They have listened to our calls for inaction for the past 15 years. It does not make sense why they are not listening to us now.”
Trachtenbye said he was not bothered by the discontent expressed by the council, as professors will no longer be needed at GW.
