On the 10 Commandments: “The 10 Commandments (posted in a school) keeps kids from shooting other kids just as well as the ‘Employees must wash hands’ sign keeps piss out of my Happy Meal.”

On the Boy Scouts banning gay men: “The definition of gay is thousands of young men wearing neckerchiefs, waiting for the jamboree.”

On “Under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance: “If you want to make a phrase meaningless, make second-graders repeat it every day.”

On Bush and Hurricane Katrina: “The president had a day of prayer. He should have had a truck of food.”

On the cloning of sheep: “Guess what, f***head? They all look alike. That’s why we count them when we go to sleep.”

On CNN’s Robert Novak: “He only comes out at night now. When you feast on the blackness of souls, sunlight can eat away at your fleshy exterior.”

On having children: “I’ve never gotten the chance to ruin someone from scratch before.”