Gregory Gross, Hatchet web manager, was found outside 2140 G St. with apparent snake bites to the arms and legs and an acute case of cholera, according to GW Hospital officials.

“I was playing Oregon Trail at The Hatchet office instead of doing real work,” Gross said. “When all of a sudden I was sucked into the game and was attacked by the many horrors facing the real heroes of the Oregon Trail in the 19th century.”

Gross was treated with antivenin and given morphine for the cholera. UPD initially thought he was drunk, until they realized the snake bites were not hickies.