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The GW Hatchet


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The GW Hatchet

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ROTC stages hostile coup, replaces SA govt

The campus chapter of the Regimented Organization of Tools and Conscripts (ROTC) has launched a coup against the Suckers Association, claiming the scandal-ridden group no longer represents the student body.

ROTC officials said the SA had become nothing but a “puppet regime” controlled by former Executive Vice Pillpopper Rick D’Liar and B.J. Blackheart, among others.

As of press time, ROTC cadets had seized all SA offices and announced that former SA officials will be held responsible for crimes committed under the old regime.

Rear Admiral Dick Johnson, second in command for the military cadre, said all diplomatic means had been exhausted in trying to reform the organization.

“Let’s face it, they were all pretty fucking useless,” Johnson said. “We’ve just had enough and wanted to put the poor thieving bastards out of their misery.”

Former SA officials reacted with shock and some awe to the weekend’s hostile takeover.

D’Liar said the destruction of the student government has delayed plans for assuming full control of the student body.

“This really puts a kink in things,” D’Liar said between sobs while in ROTC custody. “But I knew that eventually someone would realize the hundreds of resolutions we passed in the SA were pointless.”

He added that the ROTC coup would “seriously damage” his effort to become a state legislator.

Blackheart, a former senator, said the loss of his self-appointed post in the government “shattered (his) dreams of getting tenure here.”

Don Fungus, former chair of the Extortion Committee, said his position was secure and that he will be able to fund his own student group because he has a collection of taped conversations “rivaling Richard Nixon.”

“We would have gotten away with all this, too, if it hadn’t been for those pesky BongHit reporters. They suck,” Blackheart said.

Justin Oshady, who served as the vice president for politically-motivated investigations, is being held in a small cage on the Quad without trial as an unlawful combatant.

“This has all been my doing,” Oshady yelled from his cage. “I really just needed the attention.”

Oshady said when he is released he plans to investigate his own mother and grandmother – setting a tentative release date for the report at “a time of significant political consequence.”

When asked about the fate of SA President Phil Meup, Johnson said, “Phil who?”

Meup was unavailable for comment, citing “personal time with my girlfriend,” but noted he has had many accomplishments this year, including “hanging out with my girlfriend, eating meals with my girlfriend and spending time in the SA office with my girlfriend.”

Johnson said he was optimistic and that the coup would finally allow students to move forward.

“Come on, these guys were real toolbags,” he said. “I mean, they weren’t just tools, they were entire aisles at Home Depot.”

Some students demonstrated against the ROTC coup in front of the David Duke Student Union building Sunday.

“This is unacceptable,” said demonstrator and Flaming Liberal Student Cooperative member Bernie Marx. “We’ll get out here and scream about anything. It’s just like the ’60s man. We don’t really care about this, it’s just fun to yell at the man, man. Fur kills.”

Most students have been receptive to the new government, though some have expressed reservations about a proposed mandatory pre-dawn fitness regiment on the Quad.

The BongHit was only able to find one law student who cared about the coup.

“Don’t y’all want to hear what I have to say? I have the biggest ego on this campus and everyone loves me,” said Mark Sureasshitfield. “What should really happen is for them to anoint me new SA King and for all GW females to serve as my concubines.”

Other students seemed markedly unconcerned about the recent events.

“What the hell did the SA do, anyway?” asked Smokey McPott, a third-year senior (junior – yeah, we’re still trying to get the system, too. See story, p. 2). “Fuck ’em.”

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