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The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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More useless shit

PB and J chair reexamines look
Peanut Butter and Jelly Chair Buying Grass decided to change his physical appearance in repsonse to student complaints about PB’s “bad look.” Grass announced last week that Barry Williams (Greg from the “The Brady Bunch”) would headline Spring Fling, and he will be dressing up accordingly.

Grass told the whiners that, while he always looks unbelievably hot, he may lack skills needed for scheduling and financing.

“One time I spent $108 on a comb,” Grass said.

The whiners seemed to be getting through to Grass about concentrating more on events and less on hair gel and other male beauty products about halfway through the meeting.

“Maybe there is more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good looking,” Grass said before challenging the whiners to a walk-off which, to Grass’ dismay, all the whiners declined.

After two hours of debate and several tries at different hairdos, the whiners and Grass decided perhaps the best way to attract big name stars and bands to campus was for Grass to perfect his revolutionary Magnum look.

Grass will test Magnum’s star-drawing ability at a meeting with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson later this week.

Study Abroad participants classified third-class students
University administrators approved a plan Wednesday to name any student going abroad or thinking about going abroad “third-class students” to punish them for taking their checkbooks away from GW for a semester.

“We really did not think there was enough discrimination on campus,” Vice President of Xenophobic affairs Trackty S. Lackie said. “Who better to start with than the students who want to live with dirty, smelly-ass foreigners.”

Under the new regulation, all study abroad students will be forced to wear neon fanny packs with the name of their country of choice embossed on them. They will only be permitted to take 8 a.m. classes in the basement of Monroe Hall, eat only Taco Bell without access to bathrooms and attend all Peanut Butter and Jelly-sponsored films.

“If students think they can jack even one cent from our grips, they are stupid-ass mo-fos, especially under the guise of what they call ‘learning,'” Lackie said. “They need to learn how to pump Benjamins our way.”

Lackie said other students are encouraged to ridicule the study abroad students.

Student reaction to the plan is mixed.

“It’s really important to be superior to someone,” junior Lisame A. Newcardad said. “At home I had Rosa, our Mexican cleaning lady, but at school the number of people to order around is really lacking.”

Senior Angela Tootie, who just returned from Djibouti (pronounced Ja-booty) said she is especially upset by the plan and wrote a letter to Lackie in protest.

“Djibouti is really, really big,” Tootie told Lackie. “I didn’t remove myself from Djibouti to have GW give it to me up the ass.”
-Egocentric Bitch

UPD officers caught with student contraband
Twenty UPD officers, including Director Walrus Bigasaford, were arrested at the annual department retreat at Roosevelt Island this weekend after police smelled a “suspicious order” and heard drunken screaming coming from the party.

Officers pled not guilty to a combined 69 counts of public drunkenness and possession of marijuana, claiming they were simply disposing of all confiscated contraband seized this year in campus residence halls.

Real police came upon the soiree at about 4:20 p.m. Saturday.

Underage students have long suspected that their booze and drugs have been redirected to UPD coffers.

“All that we are asking is that we get invited to these type of campus events,” said Pu Berty, a 16-year-old freshman from Thrustin Hall.

Bigasaford said the incident would be investigated.

“I really don’t remember a whole lot of what happened at the retreat,” Bigasaford said, citing a severe headache. “But our officers work hard. There is no reason that the students should have all the fun with these fabulous substances.”

University officials said that while the bust was a disappointment and badge of shame to the school, it was less damaging than having officers arrested for armed robbery, impersonating an officer or stealing students mail packages.

“What are you going to do?” said University spokesman Silent Bob. “You get a bunch of folks who are in charge of capturing alcohol and drugs, they’re bound to indulge a little bit. If it keeps everyone happy, great. If only the TAs smoked and drank a bit more maybe they’d lay off these pesky unionization efforts.”
-Isweat Bingcherries

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